by T.C. Eisele.
Characters
Man at Computer
Young Woman
Young Man
Woman’s Voice
Setting
The living room/kitchen area of a one-bedroom apartment in New York City.
The kitchen is stage left. Stage right there is a couch and coffee table.
A little left of center stage (closer to the kitchen area) is a small dining table where an unkempt man wearing sweatpants, flip-flops, and a ripped pullover sits staring at a laptop computer.
Scene
Once the Man begins typing, an attractive, stylishly dressed young woman enters the kitchen from stage left.
Young Woman: (Shouting across the apartment) HONEY!
(When there is no answer, she shouts again.) HONEY!!
(The voice of a Young Man comes from off-stage right.)
Young Man: WHAT?
Young Woman: (Shouting again) WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER?
Young Man: WHAT?
Young Woman: (To herself) Oh for God’s sake.
(Shouting again) WILL YOU PLEASE COME OUT HERE…….I’M GETTING A HEADACHE FROM YELLING.
(The Young Man enters from stage right. He is also dressed quite stylishly.)
Young Man: Why are you shouting?
Young Woman: Because my husband is deaf.
(As he goes to join his wife in the kitchen, the Young Man walks by the Man at the Computer as if no one was there.)
Young Man: How am I supposed to hear you when I’m in the other room?
Young Woman: How could you not hear me?……..I was screaming my head off!
(Suddenly Another Woman’s voice calls out from offstage right.)
Woman’s Voice; (Sounding worried) DEAR!………COULD YOU COME IN HERE A MINUTE?
(At this point, the Man at the Computer stops typing, causing both the Young Woman and Young Man to freeze in whatever positions they’re in. He then turns and shouts back at the Woman’s voice.)
Man at Computer: WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!
Woman’s Voice: COULD YOU PLEASE COME IN HERE?
Man at Computer: WHY?
Woman’s Voice: I CUT MYSELF.
Man at Computer: HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE THAT?
Woman’s Voice: I DON’T KNOW…….BUT I’M BLEEDING ALL OVER THE BED.
Man at Computer: THERE’S A ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM.
(He goes back to reading what’s on the computer.)
Woman’s Voice: THERE’S A LOT OF BLOOD.
Man at Computer: (Annoyed as he tries to continue reading) HOLD ON, I’LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
Woman’s Voice: COULD YOU PLEASE COME IN HERE NOW?
Man at Computer (Sitting back with a heavy sigh) Damn it!
(He abruptly stands up and exits stage right.
A moment later, his voice can be heard shouting from offstage)
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?……..WHY DO YOU HAVE A RAZOR BLADE?
Woman’s Voice: (Like a child) THE KNOT ON MY BOLO BRACELET GOT REALLY TIGHT……. I COULDN’T GET IF OFF, SO I TRIED TO CUT IT… ……BUT I MISSED…. DON’T BE MAD AT ME.
(A short silence follows, during which The Young Woman and Young Man on stage continue to remain motionless.
When the Man at the Computer eventually returns, he is holding some paper towels spotted with blood.)
Man at Computer: (Muttering to himself) Whenever I try to get any writing done some kind of shit always has to happen!
(He goes into the kitchen, deposits the paper towels in a trash basket, and then wipes his hands.
When he’s done, he sits down at the table and resumes looking at the computer screen.)
Now, where was I?
(As he begins typing, the Young Woman and Young Man suddenly come back to life.)
Young Woman: So what do you want for dinner?
Young Man: I don’t know…….What do you feel like?
(Once again the Man is interrupted by the Woman’s voice from off-stage.)
Woman’s Voice: HELLO……..DEAR………CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
(The Young Woman and Young Man freeze as the Man at the Computer stops typing, turns, and shouts back.)
Man at Computer: FOR CHRISSAKE…..NOW WHAT?
Woman’s Voice: (Nervously)……ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
Man at Computer: WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I TRY TO WORK ON MY PLAY YOU HAVE TO INTERRUPT?
Woman’s Voice: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE WORKING…… ARE YOU BUSY?
Man at Computer: YES…….I’M BUSIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
(He turns back to the computer.)
Woman’s Voice: COULD YOU PLEASE COME IN HERE AGAIN …….JUST FOR A MOMENT?
Man at Computer: (Tiredly shaking his head.)
This is unbelievable.
(Visibly annoyed, he stands up and exits stage right.
As the Young Woman and Young Man continue standing there like a pair of frozen figures in a photograph, a loud argument filters in from off stage.)
Man at Computer: DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW?
Woman’s Voice: IF WE DON’T WASH THE SHEET RIGHT AWAY IT WILL BE PERMANENTLY STAINED.
Man at Computer: AND THE FLOW OF MY IDEA WILL BE PERMANENTLY LOST…..BUT OF COURSE THAT DOESN’T MATTER.
Woman’s Voice: OH NO, I CARE ABOUT YOUR WORK, I REALLY DO, BUT LOOK, THE SHEET IS ALL STICKY WITH BLOOD.
Man at Computer: THAT LITTLE SPOT?……(Pause)……..YOU KNOW WHAT?………FORGET IT……….JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN SHEET.
(The Man at the Computer re-enters with a rolled-up bed sheet, which he throws on the floor before once again sitting down in front of the computer.)
Woman’s Voice: MAKE SURE WE HAVE ENOUGH DETERGENT.
Man at Computer: (Now focusing on the computer screen) IN A MINUTE!!!
(After finding where he left off, the Man furiously resumes typing.)
Young Woman: (Coming back to life.) To be honest I really don’t feel like cooking.
Young Man: Then let’s go to the French Bistro on the corner and do happy hour…..We could order some pommes frites and dollar oysters.
Woman’s Voice: HONEY?…….IF THERE’S NOT ENOUGH DETERGENT COULD YOU GO GET SOME MORE?
(The Man at the Computer stops typing, which once again causes The Young Woman and Young Man to stop moving.)
Man at Computer: (Looking up at the ceiling)
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME!
Woman’s Voice: (Sadly) IF YOU’RE TOO BUSY NEVER MIND.
Man at Computer: (Emphatically) THANK YOU!……
(He resumes typing.)
Young Woman: (Coming back to life) What time is it?
Young Man: (Looking at his watch) Just before five……Happy hour started at four.
Young Woman: Then we should get going……I think some pommes frites now would be delicious!
Young Man: Personally, I’m looking forward to a glass of their house red.
Young Woman: Oh yes, that’ll be yummy too.
Woman’s Voice: DEAR…….I KNOW YOU’RE BUSY, BUT COULD YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN, FOR JUST A SECOND?……..PLEASE?
(The Young Woman and Young Man freeze once more as The Man at the Computer stops typing, turns, and glares at the sound of The Woman’s voice.)
Man at Computer: (Shaking his head in disbelief) Why?……Why?
Woman’s Voice: HELLO?………CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Man at Computer: (Shouting back at her)
NO…….I CAN’T……..BECAUSE YOU DON’T EXIST………THE ONLY THING THAT EXISTS RIGHT NOW IS THIS PLAY I’M TRYING TO WRITE.
Woman’s Voice: WHAT?………I’LL ONLY KEEP YOU A MOMENT…….COULD YOU PLEASE COME IN HERE?
Man at Computer: Jesus Christ….
(Shouting to her) NOW WHAT?
Woman’s Voice: (Hesitantly)… I’M SORRY I KEEP INTERRUPTING YOU……. IT’S JUST THAT I FEEL REALLY DEPRESSED…….PLEASE DON’T HATE ME……
(Pausing and then sounding very sad)
I KEEP FEELING LIKE…..LIKE I WANT TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW…..I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED…….
(For a moment, the Man appears touched by the Woman’s plea, but then he goes back to reviewing what he’s typed so far.
Following a long, quiet pause the woman continues, this time sounding curiously concerned.)
IS IT COLD OUTSIDE?…….DO YOU THINK I’D NEED A JACKET?
Man at Computer: (While trying to read)
I DON’T KNOW……LOOK AT THE WEATHER APP ON YOUR PHONE.
Woman’s Voice: I CAN’T FIND MY PHONE……..DID I LEAVE IT OUT THERE?
(The Man at the Computer ignores her and keeps reading.)
(She continues) COULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME FIND IT?
(The Man now stops reading and sits back in his chair)
Man at Computer: This is unbelievable.
(Following a deep sigh, The Man at the Computer abruptly stands and goes into the kitchen, where he starts to create a great cacophony by opening and slamming each of the cabinet doors.
Man at Computer: THE PHONE’S NOT IN THERE……NOT IN THERE EITHER……..OH MY, WHERE COULD IT BE?……IT’S NOT IN THAT ONE!……..OH LOOK, THIS ONE’S EMPTY TOO!….etc., etc.
As the Young Woman and Young Man look on like statues, the Man at the Computer keeps shouting and slamming the cabinets until he’s exhausted.
When he’s done, he bends over and tries to catch his breath.)
Woman’s Voice: WHAT’S ALL THAT NOISE…..DID YOU FIND MY PHONE?
(Too winded to reply, The Man at the Computer remains bent over huffing and puffing. When he finally regains his breath, he straightens up and begins a slow, tense soliloquy to the audience.)
Man at Computer: All I want to do is write this play…..That’s it.
(He raises his arms in frustration.)
THAT’S …..FUCKING …..IT!!!
(He then takes a deep breath and emits an exhausted sigh)
(Softly) That’s….it…..
(There is now a long pause as he stands there in silence forming a lifeless tableau along with the figures of The Young Woman and The Young Man.)
Woman’s Voice: (Now sounding very monotone)
NEVER MIND THE PHONE DEAR…….IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT’S TOO COLD OUTSIDE…
(Looking now toward the sound of the Woman’s Voice, The Man suddenly notices something on the coffee table in the living room. As he moves toward it, he can see that it’s the phone he had been searching for.)
Man at Computer: (Picking up the phone and shouting to The Woman off stage.)
I FOUND IT.
(He stands there for a couple of seconds waiting for an answer.)
DID YOU HEAR ME?………I SAID I FOUND YOUR PHONE.
(When there’s no reply, The Man at the Computer exits stage right with the phone in his hand as The Young Woman and Young Man remain standing there lifelessly.)
A moment later, his voice can be heard from off stage.)
WHERE ARE YOU?
(Pause)
WHY IS THE WINDOW SCREEN ON THE FLOOR?
(There’s a moment of silence, followed by The Man suddenly shouting in horror.)
OH MY GOD!……. NO!….. NOOOO!!!!!!
Curtain