by Denis Bell.
Jake walks into the hall and comes across a staircase that he had not noticed before. The staircase leads to a suite of lavishly furnished rooms. This old house of his is grander than he had known!
One of the rooms contains a row of beds, all made up. Like a ward of hospital beds awaiting accident victims on a Saturday night..
Who are they for?
Another room appears to be a study. There is an old oak desk littered with expired claims checks and unanswered letters, a lamp and a swivel chair. Bookshelves filled with books, except that the spines on the books have no names on them. Faces dance in picture frames. Jake sees a girl he knew once in one. The girl committed suicide when she was just twenty-five years old, following a liaison with a deadbeat from the mill.
A group of people are gathered on a laundry room across the hall. Sigmund Freud, the foreman at the mill, the Marquis de Sade, Linda from Human Resources, a major league pitcher from Paraguay – Jesus something or other, and the kid from Leave It To Beaver. Last month the foreman fired Jake, something to do with a lack of commitment. Now he has the nerve to invite himself to his home! The whole charade smacks of the game of Clue and while the-foreman-in-the-office-with-a-pink-slip might seem the obvious choice, Jake has a better idea.
A fancy bathroom with a giant portrait of Quasimodo on the wall facing the commode.
Jake takes advantage of the opportunity to relieve himself. When he gets out his father is standing there. This is strange because the man died ten years ago.
How’s it hangin’, sport? his father says.
Jake looks down and checks himself, then snatches up a loose-leaf binder from the shelf over the sink and waves it in the air.
Lookee here, it’s done! Stayed up all night to finish it.
How’s that for commitment, his father shouts through a hole in the wall. Half his life, and the bum leaves it to the last freaking day.
This is one f-word that Jake never heard the old man use before.
It’s a family show, explains the Beaver.
Fuck that, says Jesus.
And the pig he rode in on, growls Marquis.
Works for me, says Freud.
Linda looks at her watch. Time to go, pumpkin, she says as she bends over to button Jake’s coat and kiss him goodbye. Freud and the Marquis exchange a wry smile as she heads off to commune with Quasimodo.
Jake is presenting his report to the class– on the role of recombinant DNA in the development of the mushroom. There is a new teacher standing watch at the back of the classroom. The teacher looks suspiciously like his father, except that he has long hair like Jesus that completely covers his face. Jake’s classmates are cheering and he feels proud. But behind the hair the teacher is mad.
The teacher reaches into his pants and pulls out a switch. He then accuses Jake of lying, although, in fact Jake never lied but once or twice in his entire life. Once to a girl named Melanie, who turned up on a slab with a belly full of Drano, and once about his name. Turns out Jake’s real name is Bryan and Bryan has a pet rat named Percy that he keeps hidden in a box underneath the stairs and brings out in time of need.
On your bike, bitch, says the teacher after the whipping but Jake’s butt is too sore to even consider it. Besides, he never even owned a bike, though he does happen to know some boys on the East Side who could fix him up with one on the fly.
See, now that’s what I’m talking about, says the teacher to the class. He’s a BUM. Always was and always–
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME, Jake shouts at his tormentor, but the message goes unheard because even now Jake’s features are starting to form into the shape of the girl he once knew and it is himself he is addressing.
It feels like Jake has been gone for an eternity, though it may have been just an instant. When he finally arrives home, all bloody and bruised, everybody has left apart from Freud and the Marquis and the two of them are on the phone with Tony Soprano arranging for a pick-up of wet goods.
Seeking a different form of closure, Jake calls up a psychic help line and speaks with a woman named Wanda. Wanda tells Jake that his name is not really Jake––who does he think he’s kidding she’s a psychic for God’s sake––and if he can only get all these people out of his head then one day he will be elected Minister for Strange Affairs and he will appoint a rat for his Deputy.
Jake says he hopes this call is not costing anything because she’s full of it and Wanda assures him that all 1-900 numbers are free of charge.
After they get off the phone with the psychic, Percy tells Jake to look in the trunk under the stairs.
Jake opens up the trunk and inside he finds a box full of dreams.