by Tom Ball.
And so, it was I was a famous imaginative writer and I set up an advice column for peoples’ problems.
Like, “Dear Will, I wish to become a Superwoman. Please advise.” I replied, “It’s a long process and you need to be very clever to begin with. The process involves growing a bigger head, and it is an attractive new head in all cases. And you need to spend many months getting used to your new brain. And it is recommended that you leave all your chattels behind and go into Space for a fresh start. And Space, as you know is dominated by Superbeings. And you can find Superlove in Space that is way more ecstatic than human to human love. I recommend it, if you can pass the test of cleverness.”
Another wrote to me, “Dear Will, I’m lost and confused in my sordid life. What can I do?” I replied, “I recommend trying to fall in love with soul mates whom you can find on the Web. And keep trying for happiness. A kind lover is always better than a lover who is not really kind, no matter how clever.”
Another note was, “Dear Will, I want to try and love android love dolls. My human lovers leave me disappointed when I love them and most of those I want, won’t love me at all. Please advise!” I answered him, “All love is good. You shouldn’t be too greedy for lovers. As for android love dolls, they are known for satisfying most humans, especially men! And some love dolls can be programmed to suit you! It’s definitely worth a try. There’s no stigma attached to loving those love machines, these days (A.D. 2108).”
Next was a plea for help. She asked, “Dear Will, can you help me, I am imprisoned against my will on Moon Triton and must kiss ass with my Master or die?” I responded, “The fact that you have access to the Web is a good sign. Your evil Master will not last much longer with the UW (United Worlds) slowly eliminating tyrants! Hang in there!”
Then was a man who wrote, “Dear Will, I am marooned in the Centauri System with 8 people I don’t like and have no love nor freedom.” I responded, “You can try 3-D Web sex for good loving and can easily make good friends Online. And soon there will be more immigrants to Centauri. Arriving in less than a month. Hope spring eternal…”
Another message was, “Dear Will, I have a love-hate relationship with my husband. We are both bisexual and I love another man, but it’s unrequited love.” I responded, “Best to get out of your current relationship. It’s unhealthy. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Your lovers should make you happy. Period.”
Next was a letter from a young woman. She said, “I am a virgin and have several suitors. One is clever, but cold. Another is kind, but stupid. And one of them is rich, but old. Another is a hologram. And so on.” I told her, “Everyone has eternal youth so you should go with the experienced rich guy. At least he will make you feel comfortable!”
Then a plea for help from a beauty Queen. She asked, “How do I find a guy who will stay with me in the long-term?” I said, “These days marriage is banned in many places and staying with the same person is often frowned upon. You need to find a lover on the Web who wants you long-term… and go to him. Beauty like yours is in demand!”
Also, a letter from a man who said, “I find myself always attracted to women I can’t get. Please advise.” I advised him, “Your problem is quite common. Simply try more women and more variety and I am sure you will find success.”
Another missive was from a woman who wrote, “Dear Will, My lovers think I’m a cold fish. What can I do?” I commented, “You simply need to take the right sex drive enhancers and you should know this!”
Then a note from a famous architect. He wrote, “Dear Will, I have everything but still am not content.” I replied, “I say it’s bad to be satisfied. You should always be ambitious for more!”
And a missive from an old man. He asked, “Where do you think is the cleverest place to live?” I told him, “In my opinion Outrage city in the Tau Ceti System, 1.5 years away. The people there include some of the most imaginative people in all creation. To me, imagination will always be the ticket to happiness. But you’ve got to look for it!”
In addition, I had a letter from a woman who was in the elite of the government of Luna. She asked, “How can I better ingratiate myself with the people of the Moon?” I replied, “Based on my understanding nearly everyone on Luna is crazy. Maybe the way for you is to act crazier than the lunatics of the Moon?”
Another plea was from a woman who had Ten regular lovers, but lived in constant fear that they would leave her. I told her, “Only the wind knows the future. If some of your lovers leave you, simply find new ones. These days you can’t possess anyone. You should know this!”
Then a desperado male who asked, “I love my girlfriend, but she refuses to wear make-up, saying natural beauty is best, what should I do?” I said, “Your girlfriend sounds stubborn and foolish, best to move on to another.”
Next was a letter, “Dear Will, I am an artistic genius, but my love affairs always end badly. What’s wrong with me?” I replied, “Of course I don’t know you, but if you change your match-up strategy, you might find succour. And don’t dwell on how relationships end, but rather focus on the good times you’ve had.”
Another message was “Dear Will, I am living naked in the jungle. And am content. But I worry that life is passing me by! Please advise.” I said to him, “As far as I know all forest areas are now protected. The jungle isn’t going to change. If you are truly happy, remain there. But, of course, to live for the future is full of imagination and promise.”
Then was a plea from a hermitess on Mars. She told me, “I don’t like people, but I like myself. Is there something wrong with me?” I told her, “Not necessarily, many people today are narcissistic and feel better being alone. But know that there are plenty of interesting and affable people out there. Perhaps you should search harder for friends on the Web?”
Also, I received a note, “Dear Will, I am from Venus where marriage is legal. I want to settle down and have a family, but I can’t find anyone who wants to marry me. Please advise.” I said to her, “Consider finding a mate elsewhere as the gene pool on Venus is quite limited. Try a burgeoning city on Earth instead.”
And I also got a message, “Dear Will, I am a woman who dumped my boyfriend. He swore he would kill me. Please advise.” I said, “Don’t take any chances. Leave Earth immediately, then change your identity, then move again. Some men are monsters.”
Another letter was, “Dear Will, I no longer love my woman, but I know that if I leave her, she’ll kill herself.” I opined, “See that she gets psychiatric help. And gradually drift away from her and introduce her to other men. And find a lover on the side, meanwhile.”
Then a message from a woman who said, “Dear Will, I love two men, one is a psychiatrist, another is a plastic surgeon. The problem is the latter is leaving Earth for Mars and I don’t know if I should go with him. Please advise.” I said, “You have two choices: you can stay on Earth and love your surgeon with 3-D Web loving which most agree is as good as the real thing or you can go to Mars and love your psychiatrist on the 3-D Web.”
And in addition, I received a letter from a man who wrote, “I don’t believe in eternal youth; I believe the normal human lifespan is enough and feel I am growing old gracefully. Many people with eternal youth commit suicide, the suicide rate being 2% per annum. Am I wrong?” I replied, “Eternal youth is not the panacea people thought it would be. But why should you grow old when you don’t have to? You can have wisdom in a youthful body, and many will want to love you.”
Also, there was a man who wrote, “Dear Will, I am a gigolo and feel I’m God’s gift to women. But for the first time, I’m in love with a girl, but she won’t love me as I’m a gigolo. Please advise.” I told him, “It sounds hopeless to me. But there are a lot of Worlds out there. I am sure that if you are patient, you will find great loves, as many as you wish. Many brilliant women want a skilled lover on the side.”
Another missive was, “Dear Will, I am a man who’s lost himself. I loved human females for many years, then androids for awhile and then holograms. I’ve searched everywhere but can’t find true love! I feel I’m incapable of love. Is there something wrong with me?” I said, “You seem to have had a lot of sex; it’s good. Not everyone is capable of love. That’s just the way it is. But maybe if you keep searching you will find a perfect lover. And consider programming an android who will love you for who you are, and who you can fall in love with!”
Then came a plea, from a woman who said, “I am a crazy lover. And am no stranger to danger, but I find the modern World is too crazy, even for me. What can I do?” I answered her, saying, “Everyone knows the Worlds are crazy. But there is “Sanity city,” on Luna where everyone strives to be sane. And everyone goes to a psychiatrist regularly and takes sanity drugs. You’ll find their sanity drugs to be quite effective.”
Another message I got was from a man who wrote, “These Worlds are progressing haphazardly, there’s no real plan! And I feel I am lost.” I said, “The meaning of life is to have kids and take advice from Superhuman intellects like me. And these two things will make your life sublime. I can assure you we have a plan for human domination of Space, and bold new, imaginative colonies which will delight people like you.”
Next was a letter from a woman who asked, “How can I be more imaginative?” I told her, “You need to take new imagination drugs that have just come on the market. And surround yourself with imaginative people. They are out there; you just need to search hard for them.”
Then a note from a woman who, “Didn’t want to work. I just want to party all the time.” I said, “Automation is coming fast. Soon few people will have jobs. So, hang in there!”
And then there was a letter from a man who wrote, “I feel like the World is becoming a freak show and normal people like me have no place in the future.” I said, “Pay no attention to the freak show; there will always be room for ordinary humans.”
Then a missive from a woman who said, “I feel that life is a joke. Please advise!” I responded, “For some, life is indeed a joke. But I am willing to be your God and advise you on becoming happy!”
Another letter was from a woman who said, “I am an all-star baseball player and play with professional male athletes. Perhaps you’ve heard of me? Anyway, my question is how can I be happier?” I said, “There are new panacea drugs out there, you should give them a try. And find more lovers. Pro baseball players are known to be good lovers. I think you are in an enviable position, actually.”
And there was a letter from the leader of Cambodia. She said, “The 1970s war killed off all our clever people. I am trying to attract thinkers to come to the colony and people here have clever children designed in the lab. But I feel we are falling further and further behind the rest of the Worlds. Please advise!” I replied, “Not everyplace is an intellectual place. There is always room for ordinary humans. But you can attract great thinkers with money and an offer them a share of power in Phnom Penh and they in turn will attract others.”
And next was a letter from, a woman who wrote, “Dear Will, I really think I am clever, but my lovers all say that I am a moron. What can I do?” I answered her, “There are some types of intelligence, that are obscure and not obvious. I suspect that you are an idiot savant. Maybe you should consult a neurosurgeon about improving your all-around intellect!”
Then there was a plea from a homeless woman who wrote, “I am trapped in a cycle of poverty. I have no skills and people seem to have no use for me.” I said, “America is still the richest country, but there are many poor. I suggest you go to Canada, where they have generous welfare payments and offer free housing to the destitute and a free education to all poor people.”
Another letter stated, “I have achieved many things in my life, but happiness eludes me. Please advise!” I told him, “Some people are not destined to be happy. But I think you need a lover who inspires you, above all. And don’t be afraid to take the new euphoria drugs.”
And also, a letter from a well-known politician on Mars, the Mayor of Clone city. She asked, “How can I make the people happier? I’ve tried everything but not much seems to work. And my constituents are hard to please…” I told her, “Of course people in Space are harder to satisfy than the general population on Earth. But they have re-elected you many times, so you must be doing something right. If I were you, I’d carry on as you have been. You can’t please all of the people all of the time!”
Another missive was from a scuba diving adventure company founder. She said, “I’ve wondered what other beautiful creatures can I add to the sea?” I said,”Scientists are adding new creatures everyday. Of course, many of them are illicit, but there is a plethora of beauty in the oceans already. You should consider opening up new branches of your business to show off different regions.”
In addition, I received a plea from a woman who wrote, “I have to walk the streets to feed my two children. But I hate it. I live in India where there’s no social safety net. What can I do?” I advised her, “Immigrate elsewhere to a country that wants children and would be receptive to your application. And go to school to learn useful job skills…”
Another message came from a woman who swore she was, “The saviour of humankind! But how do I get people to listen to my message of peace and charity?” I said, “Some people already are working for peace and charities. Why don’t you simply join them? And stop thinking you are our saviour unless you want to get into politics and form a new political party!”
Also, a man wrote me, that, “I am a stand-up comedian. But people don’t laugh at my jokes. I even dress up as a jester and feel my jokes are too deep for general audiences.” I told him, “Why don’t you try and play the fool to Presidents and Mayors?”
And another request was from a single father with 3 kids. He asked, “How can I get a woman to be a mother to my kids?” I replied, “I assume you’ve tried to get a single mother to join you? All your kids really need is one person who really loves them, that’s you!”
Then a woman who said, “I am a painting genius. I’ve painted pictures of untold horrors. But every one of my love affairs ends badly. What can I do?” I looked at her art she sent me, and it was really good. I decided to say to her, “You are a genius, you figure it out. You might try and not focus on horrors all the time, however.”
Furthermore, there was a note from an android hunter in Russia, where androids were illegal. She asked, “I often wonder if I am really doing the right thing?” I told her, “Androids are clever creatures who are just like us. It seems a shame to kill them. I suggest you satisfy your desire for intrigue by offering your services as a spy for some nice country.”
Then a letter from a man who said, “I’m rich and bored. I was born rich. I’ve tried many occupations, and nothing seems to satisfy. Please advise.” I advised him, “You are just spoiled rotten. And you are greedy for happiness. But greed does not bring happiness. I’d say you are in a nearly hopeless position. Perhaps you could start a charity and help the destitute in some poor country. Or do some other useful work. Make yourself useful!”
Another letter stated, “Dear Will, I am a woman who has experienced all there is to experience that’s good. But I just feel sad all the time and my psychiatrists have been unable to help me. Please advise.” I told her, “My sources tell me they are close to curing depression and there are some new drugs for you to take. But know that being sad creates art and beauty. Why don’t you try your hand at the arts?”
Another petition came from a woman who described herself as, “One of the most beautiful women in the Worlds.” And she wrote, “I live on Mars, but don’t think the people of this Planet appreciate me! What can I do?” I said, “These days almost any woman can be stunningly beautiful. But I’ve seen your photos, and you really have the look. I think you just need more exposure. Why not become an actress?”
Then there was a missive from a man who claimed, “I have a photographic memory. But I am superfluous in this modern World.” I said, “With a memory like that you ought to have multiple Ph.D.s and would be useful as a scientist. You can’t let such a talent go to waste!”
Another query was from a man who stated “Dear Will. To be truthful, I’m good at cheating in poker. And it has made me a lot of money. But money has only brought me heartache and misery. Please advise!” I advised him to “Play poker with spies, like James Bond, and try and bankrupt them. Do it for your country. But of course, they will cheat, too.”
Another man told me in a letter that, “I am a love genius. But the woman I want the most isn’t interested in me. How can I win her love?” I said, “You must simply become aware of what kind of man she likes and then be that man. Isn’t it obvious?”
And a woman wrote me saying, “I only feel thrilled when I’m scared. I admit I enjoy being frightened. But as time passes, it is getting harder and harder to get the same thrill.” I suggested, “Why don’t you design an amusement park full of rides that scare you and you can meet men there who enjoy being terrified as well as terrifying others. Or you can go to extremes like date a serial killer or be a spy who plays rough. Or get elected and create a scary country!”
In addition, there was a boy prodigy in music. He wrote, “I feel my parents are obsessed with my success and push me to practice 8 hours a day. I would rather be playing with my friends and feel I am missing my childhood!” I replied, “But you have a good chance of success. Success will make you ecstatic and content. I would keep practicing if I were you. And childhood is boring for many clever people, who can’t wait to grow up.”
Another missive was, “Dear Will, I am a pro golfer. However, I am sick of playing. But I have no job skills and fear I would live in relative poverty.” I replied, “Why not take a year off and come back fresh? You are unlikely to have another career that is so lucrative.”
Also, there was a petitioner who wanted to be President of the USA as an Independent but didn’t have many followers. “Please advise.” I told him, “You need to imagine various future policies and by trial and error determine their efficacy. Use the polls to help you determine which ideas are most popular. Good luck.”
Then a woman who said, “I tried the nascent Mind Reading Technology (MRT) with a lover, but it drove me insane and I still hadn’t recovered 6 months later. What can I do?” I told her, “MRT could be a real boon to humanity. But you’ve got to use it only on special occasions for now; you need to get used to it slowly. I think you should try MRT with the kindest persona you can find and rebuild your mind slowly.”
Next was a message from a woman who was a self-proclaimed tigress. She said, “I have driven many men mad with desire. And have brought out passion in some men who were previously cold fish. But my query is do you think I can rule America?” I said, “Judging by your photo, I can see why you bring out such passion in men. Why not throw your hat into the ring and see what transpires?”
Furthermore, there was a letter from a man who proclaimed, “I am a scientific genius. But no one will hire me due to my radical views. What can I do?” I told him, “Anyone can create android love dolls, why don’t you apply your mind to creating great androids? It will be your legacy. But many great scientists languish in obscurity. Keep trying.”
Another letter was, “Dear Will, I am 18 and torn between the arts and sciences. Please advise.” I said, “Why don’t you do both and see what you have better success at?”
Then there was a letter, “Dear Will, I’m a loser and I have no friends. Please advise.” I replied to her, “You need to identify what you are skilled in and build on that. And you need plastic surgery to make you more attractive and genetic therapy to improve your mind.”
And another plea was from an attractive girl who wrote, “Dear Will, I feel I am the best-looking human in all creation. And I figure I should rule all Earth, and promote sex with humans, androids, holograms and freaks. Please advise!” I said, “I have heard of you. You were Ms. Galaxian. But I don’t think you can get elected by beauty alone. But who knows what the masses will go for? I think you should go for it and make our World more beautiful in every way!”
Another message was from a man who wrote, “I’m imprisoned in a rich girl’s dungeon. I snuck this message out with the guards who feel sorry for me. What can I do?” I replied, “Try and get the guards to revolt and have you switch places with your Mistress!”
And another missive was from a crazy man who said, “The World is not crazy enough to suit me. I want to run for Mayor of L.A. and drive everyone crazy. Do you think I can do it?” I told him, “It seems like almost everyone these days is insane. Personally, I think it’s a shame, but I’m sure that all the mad people will elect you. So go for it.”
And another crazy persona was a woman who said, “I want to love you with crazy love, Will. I follow your advice column and am totally enraptured…” I said, “I can never turn down a pretty girl!” So, I loved her and was satiated.
And I received a lot of letters asking advice about love. It seemed to be the most important thing in most peoples’ lives. And the column went on for years and finally I was elected President of the United States, as people thought I was wise. And I lived happily ever after.
