(Dear Readers: EAP's editor has been nagging me to 'do more to bring people together.' I personally think this is a lot of liberal hogwash, but as the freelance advice market has dried up lately, it's smart to lie low and comply. Hence my bringing together of the writers of the two letters below. WD)
Dear Wendy,
You seem to have some connections with the film industry, so I have a question. I've been thinking a lot about writing and directing a movie. Some might call my idea porn, but I prefer to call it erotic. It would be targeted to the youth market, sort of a college
"coming of age" film with very artfully shot graphic sexuality. When I'm out at places that young people congregate (fast food restaurants, malls, campuses, megaplexes), I notice two things. One, there seems to be a lot of sexual experimentation going on between genders. #2, young people like to wear flip-flops instead of conventional closed shoes. This seems to symbolize their whole free attitude toward life and sexuality. The name of my film would be "Flip Flop F*ckers" (I've censored the title here for the more close-minded). It would be a story about a group of young people with bisexual overtones. They would all go back and forth, sexually experimenting with men and women, and they would all wear flip flops, hence the title. It's a play on words and themes that I think will really capture the imaginations of a generation.
Any advice on how best to get a project like this going?
Thanks,
Porn King of Pittsburgh
Dear Porn,
May I call you Porn? I feel I know you too well to address you as Mr. King.
Ah, how you bring back memories of the days when Peter and I used to show up at the studio to say, "I can fly, I can fly!" seven thousand times a day. The glamour of waiting for hours between takes while they brought out the measuring tapes and made sure the shot was right. The drama when the rushes were stolen or lost and the whole thing had to be done again. The endless stream of diet pop we downed to keep going.
Happy days.
Are you sure you want to get involved in this? Well, it's up to you. I assume you are an adult.
My own feeling is we can't have too many porno films with bisexual overtones. The more people having fun in as many different ways possible is…well, it's MY idea of bringing people together.
What you need, of course, is a good script. Good characters, strong situations, snappy dialogue (though not too much of it).
And I have the writer for you.
See below and good luck.
Yours,
Ask Wendy
Dear Wendy:
Computers have a lot to answer for. Back in my day, when someone wanted to write, they had to tolerate cramped fingers smudged with graphite or at least a typewriter and a fist full of correction tape. They had to work for it. They had to be compelled through labor. Now so called writers can type and correct faster than they can think, leaving the reader with a lot of overwritten, unthinking, garbage masquerading as literature. Detail for the sake of detail. Just the other day I picked up a book by a one-time favorite author. First of all, it was huge. And why? Because it was full of unnecessary description and the useless tirades of bored characters with way too much page time given over to their grousing. The author actually took several pages to recount the plot of Taras Bulba. I kid you not, Wendy darling. She also described films in detail. What is more boring than reading the plots of films? Especially ones we have already seen. I think it's even worse than reading about someone's dreams and there were plenty of those plopped in as well. There were long, revolting descriptions of male and female reproductive organs. This is equipment we all have anyway so where's the novelty? Was she trying to be shocking? Or was she just flying away over the keys gleefully stringing words together until the book had enough heft to break a window. (Believe me, I was tempted.)
What happened to slim volumes of considered prose? Or even large volumes of considered prose? The operative word being "considered". I think Virginia Woolf was inspired when she stood before a high drafting table with her collection of pens and commenced to literally draw the language out of herself until it was right.
Sincerely,
Marian the Librarian
P.S.
I do think that Exterminating Angel Press uses the computer to good advantage.
Dear Marian,
Would you mind if I sent your email address to Porn King of Pittsburgh? I think you two would really get along. In your letter, I sense a terse, tough writer in the Hemingway style yearning to get out. My advice is, put your typewriter, or your quill pen, or whatever, at the service of "Flip Flop F*ckers" and let 'er rip.
Let me know how you come along. (No pun intended.) My editor, daft woman, would probably want to publish the script.
And my job's safe for another month or two.
Yours, bringing people together,
Ask Wendy