Hello my dear. Peabody here. My boy Sherman and I are just about to take a quick spin in the Way Back Machine to see Ivan the Terrible. A wretched fellow, but he serves the best goulash. Anyway, I was talking to an old friend last week who could really use your help. He’s not much a talker, so I thought I’d dash off a quick note to you on his behalf. Since I am fluent in both human and canine communication, I thought I might act as his go-between.
Anyway, my old pal Pluto is a little down in the dumps. He feels like the inequity of life is getting too much to bear. He simply can’t understand why he is a dog and has to remain a pet, when so many of our brethren run free. It galls him to see that halfwit Goofy owning a house and driving an auto. Pluto’s incensed that he has to remain the property of that ridiculous squeaky-voiced mouse. The indignity of it all. I tried to tell him that human behavior is not all it’s cracked up to be, but he didn’t believe me. Have you ever tried to tie a bowtie with paws? Very time consuming. I was hoping that perhaps Pluto might pop by one of your meeting and do a little howling to get this stuff out of his system. Our mutual friend Underdog said he could swing by and interpret for the poor chap.
While I have you, would you ever be interested in going on a date with my boy Sherman? He’s really a clever fellow, and sort of cute once he takes those glasses off. He wants to go to a concert by something called The Pussycat Dolls. I myself have an aversion to felines, and think it might be better if her goes with someone closer to his age. No obligation.
Do let me know.
Peabody signing off.
To All My Dear Readers:
Normally, I would have responded to this letter with a discreet private note. I mean, this is a person – dog, rather – who completely misunderstands the meaning and purpose of the Ask Wendy column. As, particularly after my third glass of sherry in the evening, this has become an increasing topic of discussion between me and EAP editor Tod Davies (although I notice after about forty five minutes, I usually am able to hear her vacuum cleaner or running water in the background), it seemed worth addressing in a more public space.
There seems to be a misunderstanding going on about what we’re doing here, both in this column and in EAP in general. This is not, for example, an encounter group. Perhaps you’ve noticed, Dear Reader, that the world is not in tiptop shape these days. Perhaps not. Perhaps you, like so many of us, like to pretend that this world is the best of all possible ones, and not the nearly crapped out, hierarchical, teetering toward disaster place that it is.
Granted, the world is a wonderful place, too. I haven’t entirely left behind my days of thinking happy thoughts and throwing myself out the window, you know. In spring, especially, all our thoughts here at EAP turn happily to the visions of many artists and fictional characters of a better world – one that we all passionately believe is possible.
But perhaps you don’t care whether the world is made better or not. Perhaps you are under the impression that the world, no matter what shape it is in, owes you a living, or a date, or friends, or weight loss, or a satisfying job, or anything else, for that matter, that you’re too lazy to get out and find for yourself. And perhaps you don’t care about the world much past your individual complaints.
There seem to be a lot of you around these days.
Now Tod Davies has been taking, in my opinion (and in the opinion of the Fictional Characters Working group – see the notes of this month’s meeting), an altogether too laid back approach to this. She has been operating under the idea that people, and fictional characters, have to be coaxed to see the world around them the way it is. She says people are too damned scared already, and if you scare them any more, they just won’t go forward. She says it’s like trying to get a dog into a small dark place. You have to give them treats and time.
I say the time has come to tell them to shove their treats and find a few good people and fictional characters who aren’t afraid to look around them and say what’s going on and what should be done. And we of the Fictional Characters group are writing an official statement for next month’s EAP to that effect. We have hopes of persuading Tod of our point of view. Warning to some of the careerist writers she’s been too patient with: there should be changes around here soon.
In the meantime, let me just say this to Mr. Peabody: Thank you so much for your note. My advice to Pluto is to stop wasting time complaining about Mickey, and figure out what is and isn’t possible. Want to stay with him? Set boundaries and stick to them. Want to leave? Last time I looked there wasn’t any law against a cartoon character taking destiny into his/her/its own hands. Or paws, as it were. So do it, already. Underdog has got better things to do than co for a fellow canine, as a matter of fact.
And though I know the suggestion that I meet Sherman was kindly meant, let me also say: this is not a dating service. I am not spending my days longing for the perfect mate, or, indeed, for any kind of mate at all. I mean, any woman who spends time with a Peter Pan will know what I’m talking about when I say I have MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME. So unless Sherman has got some fire in his belly about changing the stories with which we in Western culture presently lie to ourselves, I think it’s better that he try to give the Disney Princesses ™ a call. Every one of them hates to have an empty Saturday night.
Sincerely yours,
Ask Wendy
Dear Wendy —
I’ve been a fan of yours for years. While I appreciate your early work with Mr. Barrie and your many volunteer hours working with those young men, your clever re-branding as a fast food icon has left me in awe. Miss Wendy, you think outside of the box. That go-beyond-the-expected quality of yours is just what I need for this really exciting project I’ve got in the hopper.
I have a proposition that will benefit both of us, a true win-win situation. I know that you are a fan of reality TV and that you have extensive connections in the Hollywood film community.
Have you been watching Celebracadabra, a celeb-reality challenge unlike any other? It is a brave show reaching a global audience. I’ve been speaking to a lot of important producers down here, and there is real interest and excitement in my project. In fact, I’ve got one of Hunter S. Thompson’s people on board.
But, we must act now.
The project, “Celebrity Cadaver” is part Sherlock Holmes, part CSI and part Unsinkable Molly Brown. We will ‘dig’ deeper than your average reality show. In fact I see this more of a hybrid—earth shattering entertainment and hard news.
I’m hoping you can help me find just the right fictional character to host “Celebrity Cadaver.” My first choice is John Wayne. My attempts to contact Mr. Wayne’s people have been fruitless. Please do not patronize me. I know ‘the Duke’ is dead, that Marion Morrison, the man who became John Wayne is dead. I’m interested in the fictional John Wayne, the one we all know and love, the one Joseph Stalin wanted assassinated, the one with the mythical ten-gallon hat, the one who liked to wear a dress around the house. That “John Wayne” would be the perfect host.
Miss Wendy, I look forward to hearing from you. Sunny Delight is interested in some product tie-ins, and there’s a book project in the works.
Sincerely,
Joshua Spineglass
Mixed Media Entertainment
P.S. Grilling the burgers was genius. Sure that was your idea.
Dear Mr. Spineglass,
Please see above response to Mr. Peabody. Really, this is getting out of hand. If Tod Davies doesn’t do something soon about making it crystal clear what we’re all trying to do here at EAP, she’s going to have a revolt on her hands.
I’m sure you don’t understand a word I’m saying. So I’ll say this: Go Home and Go Back To Watching Your Plasma Screen and let us get on with some real creative thinking.
Sincerely yours,
Ask Wendy
(Need advice? Are you or do you know a Fictional Character who yearns for Real Life Social Justice? email ASK WENDY….
ASK WENDY's Working Group for Social Change welcomes all ages, races, creeds, and personality types, with the following exceptions:
a.) potential or actual psychopathic murderers
b.) careerist twats
c.) anyone over the age of 28 who still blames their parents for the unhappiness in their own lives.
If you don't fall into any of the above categories, Join ASK WENDY and the Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group, and start changing the world today!)
(Minutes of Fictional Characters Working Group May Meeting…)