…with ASK WENDY, the advice columnist at Exterminating Angel Press…
Dear Wendy —
I’m writing in the hopes that your political action committee can help me with my lobbying efforts in Washington.
First off, let me assure, I am not a hapless war toy; I am not Barbie in camouflage.
I am a thinking, feeling, breathing fictional character just like you. After having saved the free world from the commies, after ensuring that our children did not have to goose step off to kindergarten, I am now in the position where I could use an increase in my Veteran’s Benefit.
You know, I was not today’s soldier; I did not volunteer. When Uncle Sam, another fictional character with better benefits, asked me to serve, I jumped right to it. Did not think twice. And what did I get in return? Nothing. Didn’t even use my real name. At least the unknown solider got a monument and a gravestone.
Let me ask you, Miss Wendy. Would you rather be the unknown soldier, or the soldier with a name that is known yet ignored? I’m sure you can understand my position. They have taken away my identity; they have taken away my past; they have taken away my youth, and now they are taking away my prescription payment plan.
Please consider helping me in Washington. Even just a note of support would be great.
Yours,
G.I. Joe
(Feel free to call me Arthur.)
Dear Arthur,
You are exactly the man we’ve been looking for in the Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group, and I’ve been tasked by the group (see this month’s minutes ) to invite you to join us. Your military expertise, combined with your understanding of how you’ve been used as a character in a story that frames a reality where war is always a heroic endeavor of good against evil, and anyone who says otherwise is a traitor, would add a much needed perspective to our group. We have to change the stories, Arthur. We have to change the stories to fit a reality closer to the one that truly exists. Impossible, you say? Well, it seems to me that our group should be the last one to say anything’s impossible, given the experiences we’ve all had.
Help us frame a new story. We need you. Be all that you can be, Arthur. Join us. We can march on Washington together. We’re a diverse group, a cheerful group, an optimistic group, and also we have a budget at EAP for unlimited biscuits and sherry. And if you’d prefer I get in some Miller Lite and chips with onion soup dip for you and Foghorn Leghorn, I’ll be happy to oblige.
I’ve sent you my private number by separate email. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely and in solidarity,
Ask Wendy
Dearest Wendy —
I feel like it’s been absolutely a lifetime since we’ve spoken. But then, you know me. I simply have no sense of time. I suppose one might say that after the things that I went through when I was a younger child, it’s a wonder that I even know my own name, or what side is up. Anyway, I’ve been seeing a new doctor, and he has me on some medications that are meant to help me separate fantasy from reality a bit better. But, my dear, that always has been a bit of a problem for us, eh? Nonetheless, the medications seem to have screwed my head on a bit straighter. And you know how I am. Someone hands me a bottle labeled “Drink Me”, and it’s cheers, bottoms up.
So, I’ve been having some of the girls over for tea on a regular basis. You know how badly we’ve always felt for Little Nell for what she had to go through at the hands of Mr. Dickens. I myself feel I was positively ravished in print by the odious Mr. Dodgson. And to think that these books was meant to be reading for children. Do you have any idea what was left out? The things that caterpillar asked of me would cause a strumpet to blush. Anyway, the girls and I were talking, and we all felt that we had been badly mistreated over the years, with absolutely no reparations.
Some of us felt that these writers were in the wrong for putting we girls in such danger. Then the subject was broadened to mental cruelty. Emma Woodhouse felt that if it left to her own devices Miss Austen might never have found her a husband. That got Eliza Bennett incensed, saying that Miss Austen almost ruined her life by not having her reconcile with Mr. Darcy. And dear Cathy got quite hysterical on the whole subject, screeching like a banshee. When she gets excited, I can barely understand that Yorkshire accent. Not proper Queen’s English.
Anyway, we were inspired by your good works, and decided that we need to look after our own kind a bit better. So we’ve decided to form English Girls Against Dire Situations. EGADS for short. Eliza thought of it, and we thought it was quite clever. We are dedicated to helping other fictional young ladies avoid some of the pitfalls and child endangerment that we had to endure.
Dear Wendy, you should join us the next time you’re in the country and address our group. After all, the idea of that Mr. Barrie stranding you on an island with cutthroats and savages. And you in just your nightclothes. It’s appalling. Anyway, it’s ripping fun, and Tess always brings that lovely strawberry fool that she makes so well. A d’Urbervilles recipe from what I understand.
Wendy, sometimes one really help one’s own sex, don’t you feel. We’re trying to contact that young Hermione to see what she’s suffered at the hands of the millionairess Miss Rowling. We’ve tried to do the research, but honestly, my dear, we simply can’t get through those books. Such tomes, and all that hocus pocus rubbish.
Hope to see you soon my dear. Now I must run, the croquet match is just beginning.
With kindest regards
Alice
President, English Girls Against Dire Situations
Dear Alice,
Now, come on, Alice. Is this the companion of my early reveries to who I owe so much? Is this the forward looking, progressive, compassionate, above all ACTIVE Alice I have always known and loved so well? When you saw that rabbit, Alice, you never stopped to think, "They'll be angry with me at home for spoiling my dress!” No! Down the rabbit hole you went. When the Red Queen demanded you be silent, what was it you said? “I won’t!” you said. “Who cares for you? You’re nothing but a pack of cards!”
That was my Alice. When my Alice saw a dire situation, she jumped right in. She was as far from victimhood as a fictional character could ever hope to be. With the possible exception of Scarlett O’Hara.
Alice, forgive me if I say this therapy and those drugs they have you on seem to have a negative rather than a positive effect. All this complaining about your literary parents you and the other women seem to be doing. Yes, sure, those authors weren’t perfect. I’d be the last one to say that Mr. Dodgson wasn’t a little weird. All those Oxford scientists are. And I certainly don’t fault any of you women for looking into what formed you and your lives – there’s no way forward till we know where we came from after all.
But there are so many important things to be done. The world is in a terrible state – look around. And a lot of it is due to fictional characters like us refusing to wake up and smell the coffee. Pretending it’s not our world. Well, okay, true, it’s NOT our world, but if somebody doesn’t do something about it soon, there won’t be any audience left for the fictional ones we do have.
I think this victim thing has got to stop. I was just talking to Jane the other day – remember Jane Eyre? Married that alcoholic Mr. Rochester? she remembers you and sends love – and she said she’s given up on family therapy. “All we ever do is talk about our loved ones,” she said. “Complaining, mostly. I’m sick of it. I want to talk about myself and what I’m going to do for a change. Make something happen. Put my energies to better use than just endlessly whining about how he doesn’t tell me he loves me enough, he doesn’t help with the housework, he doesn’t appreciate me. Phooey on that. I’m off to join Governesses Without Borders. I’ll send you a report.”
No, THAT’S my kind of fictional character. That’s the way my Alice Through the Looking Glass once was. And Eliza Bennett! You know better! Tess of the D’Urbervilles, of course, always was a little dim and inclined to let men make decisions for her. And look where it got you, Tess! Wake up! Wake up, the lot of you!
When you do, you know where I am.
With complete sisterly love and support,
Ask Wendy
PS Wonder Woman asks me to add, with all due respect, exactly where you think she’d be today if she called herself Wonder Girl. When you think not one of you is under a hundred, to be calling yourselves ‘girls’ is a little regressive, no?
Dear Mrs. Wendy:
The other day while backing-up my Ipod, Mother im’d me and suggested quite harshly, “NORMAN, it’s time for you to find a lady friend.” Later on in the day, after logging off of Second Life, I realized Mother was right. I need a girlfriend.
I understand that you have a number of single ladies in your organization, and I know how hard it is for many of us to break out of our tired old habits especially when our reputations may not be completely accurate. I have a lot to offer. I’m a good listener, and handy around the house. Could you let me know when you’re planning your next mixer? I do support the aims of your group; it’s mostly for young ladies, isn’t it?
Mother has always been very firm about having a lady in charge, and I agree with mother. By the way, as you look over your membership, I don’t really have a particular ‘type,’ but if you could put your finger on a fellow taxidermist, that would be swell. I know from television that shared interests contribute to a happy relationship.
Thank you and sincerely yours,
Mr. Norman Bates
Dear Mr. Bates,
I usually reject on principle any advice suggesting therapy followed by a heavy dosage of psychotropic drugs, but in your case, I feel strongly that this the advice that’s warranted. Head immediately for a trained psychiatrist and take whatever pills s/he recommends. It’s the rare case where this is the only way forward, but you, Mr. Bates, are that rare case.
Let me know how you get on, and remember, it’s useless to try to find my personal details online. Wikipedia has no details about me other than the ones listed.
Thank you for your letter.
Sincerely,
Ask Wendy
(Need advice? Are you or do you know a Fictional Character who yearns for Real Life Social
Justice? email ASK WENDY….)
(ASK WENDY's Working Group for Social Change welcomes all ages, races, creeds, and
personality types, with the following exceptions:
a.) potential or actual psychopathic murderers
b.) careerist twats
c.) anyone over the age of 28 who still blames their parents for the unhappiness in their
own lives.
If you don't fall into any of the above categories, Join ASK WENDY and the Fictional
Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group, and start changing the world today!)
(Minutes of Fictional Characters Working Group April Meeting.. .
Agenda for Fictional Characters Working Group May Meeting…)