by Mat Capper
'Courage is fear that has said its prayers'.
A strange thing for an atheist to believe in, but I do. Prayer to me is an ordering and prioritising of thoughts. I don't pray to a mythical being or force but I pray for the benefits of seeing what is actually important.
Having lived with fear for most of my life in some form or another I dedicate my life to not living in a state of terror. I learnt very early on that fear is physically caused by a rush of adrenalin, which has some benefits if you're being attacked, usually causing you, sensibly enough, to run and hide. But when there is no obvious threat, then this fear can easily turn to panic.
I spent years living with panic attacks, and rather than look deeper at the causes I changed my behaviour to avoid them. This led me to carrying whiskey and sleeping tablets at all times to consume whenever any difficulty arose. I would avoid crowds, city centres, friends, noise and anything that I deemed any threat to my constant state of anxiety. Just about everything there was, come to think of it, at the end there. The less I was able to cope, the more I withdrew from society and life itself. During the worst of it I saw no friends or family for a whole year. I lived in a bedsit, and my only excursions were to the off license and doctors. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and as having a drink problem, all by the age of 22.
But what I found out through all that is this: Fear is exterminated through faith. Mind you, it's the faith that is important, not where it comes from. I have many very religious friends, and they get their faith from a god. Well, that's all right. But mine comes from the kindness of strangers. By this I mean that everywhere I look there is something that renews my belief that humankind is fundamentally good.
My experiences meant I had to put those supporting chemicals down, and as a result, I'm now exposed to every feeling. I no longer fight any negativity or anxiety but view them like ships coming and going. I don't feed into a bad feeling and make it grow, I just leave it be. It has taken me years to learn how to do this, and I am by no means a perfect practitioner of the art, but I now have a greater understanding of what it is I need to do. I listen to the voice of my own fear and try to take it to its most absurd conclusion. The voice is usually negative and will do anything to take me away from people, leaving me alone, with the only thing left to run to is a chemical.
My time as an actor helped expose my fears. When I was in the film 'Revengers Tragedy' the director, our very own Alex Cox, was someone I had grown up watching on television. I was totally intimidated by him. The truth is I was desperate to be liked by him. I remember rehearsing my first conversation when I was going to ask him whether the actor Drew Schofield had written any of his dialogue for Sid and Nancy. Over and over I went through the question in my mind: 'hey Al, did Drew write the bit where….'; 'Al, how's it going, did Drew….'; 'howdy big Al, did Drew…'. My moment came one night in St George's Hall, he was alone and I slid up to him and blurted out: 'Hey, did Drew Barrymore write any dialogue for….'. My cover was blown and I felt the fear come over me: What would he think? He would think I was an asshole! But, of course, I don't think he even noticed. And if he did, he probably had other things to think about just then, I mean, given that he was directing a film. It was about time that I learnt that I really wasn't that important. I was still living under the impression that the world revolved around me. And, come to think of it, it didn't matter what he thought, it mattered that I'd gone through the fear and come out the other side relatively unscathed.
Today I'm not intimidated by anyone, and I don't view anyone as beneath me or above me. I no longer look down from the gutter. I am still only learning about fear and the grip it had over me. I no longer want to live in the palm of terror. The antidote is faith, which grew from a seed of hope given to me by people who had walked the same path and who genuinely cared. When I lived in despair all I saw was misery and negativity. Now I have some sort of balance and realise there is good in even the worst of us.
I hope my children will never have to experience the things I did. I look at them sometimes and can see how undamaged they are by the world, how perfect their perceptions and expectations are. All I can do is be there no matter what and try and show them the right paths to be on. And remember to tell them that they are the most important things in the world, while at the same time, that world does not revolve around them. It's a tricky one to get, but once you do, it's about the best antidote to fear there is.