by Diane Mierzwik.
The husband of the Parent-Teacher Association president finally took his eyes off of my chest and asked me warily at the refreshment table. “So, you’re a feminist?”
“Of course,” I answered, astonished that anyone would think any woman was not a feminist.
“Oh, one of those…” he said with a dismissive tone, imperceptibly backing away.
“Yeah, one of those crazy people who think women should be treated as equal. Crazy, I know!” I shrilled as I purposefully invaded his space, moving closer and closer to him until he turned his body away from me.
*****
According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 4th Edition, “Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women. In addition, feminism seeks to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. A feminist is a ‘person whose beliefs and behavior are based on feminism’.”.
*****
We sat around the table in the teacher’s lounge, waiting, as usual, for the math teacher. He finally joined me, Sally the science teacher, Julie the history teacher and Jody, the art teacher. Instead of joining us by sitting in a chair at the table where we all sat, he sat on top of a nearby table and wondered aloud how long the meeting would take because he had “papers to grade.”
We began discussing cross curricular plans, how our lesson plans could support each other. Whenever we asked Mike if there were some math concepts he could align with our lesson plans, he shrugged his shoulders and answered, “It’s not where I’m at in the book.” Even though this was his answer every week, we asked every week, hoping to persuade him to join in the team effort.
We wound down the meeting by discussing how to handle challenging students, giving tips to each other about what had worked. We each chimed in with a student and his or her behavior, while the others chimed in with what they were doing in their class.
Sally offered about Josue, “I just give him a warning then send him out for a cool off period. When he comes in, he lasts for a while then we start again with a warning.”
Jody offered about Melissa,“Calling home won’t work with her. Her mom just ends up yelling at you.”
I offered about Alex, “He seems to respond well when I remind him of how many points he’s earning.”
Then we began talking about Joe, a student we were all struggling with. Joe had recently, as a seventh grader, showed up to an after school function with a condom pinned to his shirt, telling everyone his mom had given it to him to remind him to practice safe sex. All the teachers, except Mike, responded with astonished disbelief. “His mom…?” Mike seemed to be smirking.
When we all concurred that nothing seemed to be working to get Joe on track in class, Sally turned to Mike. “How’s he doing in your class?”
Mike shrugged his shoulders. “Fine,” he said without making eye contact with any of us. “But, I’m a man. He probably has mommy issues.”
“So,” I said then waited for Mike to make eye contact with me. “You’re saying that if I had a penis, Joe would be a better student in my class? That’s all it takes?”
The bell rang. Mike swung his feet off the chair he had been using as a foot stool, slid down from the table he had been sitting on, and strode out of the teacher’s lounge, never answering me.
*****
According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 4th Edition,”nazi” is defined as the “Sometimes Offensive … [term for]… a person who is fanatically dedicated to or seeks to control a specified activity, practice, etc.:” like the practice of negating a woman’s experience because she is a woman.
*****
Is a person born with a feminist gene or is it a cultivated disposition? A cultivation that begins with a stay-at-home mom who grumbles constantly about having to cook dinner for “your dad” and do “your dad’s” laundry and pick up after “your dad” and when you ask why, why do these things, you are told that it’s the way things are and you’ll understand someday when you get married. But you never learn to cook and decide that you will make your own money so that when “your dad” seems to take you for granted, you can pack up your things and head out, even if it’s only to return several hours later to a man who appreciates you, will no longer take you for granted and instead will treat you like a goddess.
*****
According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 4th Edition, the term goddess means “a female god or deity…a woman of extraordinary beauty and charm… [or] a greatly admired or adored woman.”
*****
As the educational program coordinator, when a classroom closed down it was my job to get all the furniture and supplies dispersed to the other sites. I called around and found out which classrooms needed what. The biggest pieces to be dispersed were the student tables. I found a teacher with old, marked tables 100 miles away who wanted them. My boss pointed out that paying for someone to transport the tables would cost more than just buying new tables.
“What if I took them in my truck?” I asked.
“I can’t ask you to do that. It’s not part of your job,” she answered.
“I don’t mind. I just need someone to help with loading and unloading them.”
She offered to help me load them while the teacher at the receiving site agreed to help me unload them.
On the day we were to load the tables, my boss was running late. I stood around, waiting for her to appear, visions of each of us grabbing an end of each table then loading it into the bed of my truck dancing in my head.
When my boss showed up, she had a difficult time hiding her shock that I was just standing around waiting for her. She walked past me and picked up a table on her own, carried it out the exit door, swung it up into the bed of the truck then turned to me with raised eyebrows.
Having been married for over twenty years, I had grown so used to delegating such physical tasks that it never occurred to me that I could do it on my own.
*****
In her article, “Are women really the weaker sex?” Lowri Turner reports that “men generally have bigger, stronger muscles. As Harry Brennan, an exercise physiologist at the Institute of Sport, says: …'At a hormonal level, men have 10 per cent more testosterone.' Testosterone helps the body lay down more muscle. 'This is why men tend to be more muscly,' explains Brennan” (2008).
But, women are not inherently weaker than other women, something I failed to notice.
*****
After searching through several carpet stores, I found the carpeting I wanted for the house, took my husband to the store for his blessing, filled out the 90 day same as cash application and waited for the phone call letting us know the application had been approved and we could come in to set up our appointment for installation.
When the phone call came, my husband and I climbed into the car and drove to the store. In the back of the store, the credit agreement was slid across the desk toward us with directions to sign the bottom. I noticed immediately that my husband was the approved primary applicant and I was the co-signer, though when I had completed the paperwork, I had put my name first and my husband’s second. We were equal wage earners.
I slid the application back across the table. “Why did you switch the application so my husband is the primary applicant and I am the co-signer?”
“I didn’t do it. These things are handled at the loan department.” The salesman explained, rather shocked.
“Well, you better talk to your loan department because I filled this out with me as the primary applicant and my husband as the co-signer. We will not,” I pushed myself away from the desk and stood up, “do business with a company with such sexist practices. Come on, Bill.” I strode out of the store, not waiting for Bill.
*****
The Women’s International Center reports in “Women’s History in America” that “[d]uring the early history of the United States, a man virtually owned his wife and children as he did his material possessions…” and after the passage of the Equal Pay Act of 1963, “[m]any retail stores would not issue independent credit cards to married women” (2012).
*****
My high school government teacher told me over and over, “I feel sorry for the guy who marries you.” Then, once I got married, people who had never met my husband muttered, “I feel sorry for your husband.”
I never know how to respond to these comments. Do I explain that no one needs to feel sorry for my husband because he also is a strong personality who enjoys that I am independent and opinionated or do I find out what about me makes them fear for him?
*****
There’s a line in the movie Juno, a movie named after the queen of the gods, when Juno’s dad tells her that the most important thing is to find someone who loves you for exactly who you are. I would add, even if who you are is a feminazi goddess.
*****
Having embraced a career, motherhood, housewife duties, gardening and general home repair responsibilities so no one can accuse me of not doing my fair share, there are times when I romanticize being the good woman who is taken care of by her man. I came home from a vacation to Mexico and announced, “In my next life, I’m marrying a pig farmer.” I dreamt of wearing loose skirts and billowing tops with small children constantly at my feet while I tended the chickens and the vegetable garden and my man went out and made a living. I left out the parts where my husband told me what I could and couldn’t spend, put me in my place when I stepped out of line, and expected me to be fulfilled through making him happy, comfortable, and a father.
****
Meghan O’Rourke in her article “Desperate Feminist Wives” reports that “… the most interesting data may be that the women who strongly identify as progressive—the 15 percent who agree most with feminist ideals—have a harder time being happy than their peers… Feminist ideals, not domestic duties, seem to be what make wives morose. Progressive married women …are less happy, it would appear, than women who live as if [feminism] never existed” (Slate, 2006).
****
When students ask me if I’m married I reply “Yes” and prepare myself for their next question.
“Then why do you go by ‘Ms. M’ instead of Mrs.?”
It’s a wonderful opportunity to explain that Miss meant you were owned by your father and Mrs. is the contraction of Mr.’s meaning you were owned by your husband. I talk about women as property and the right to vote not being earned until 1920 and how Ms. means “No man owns me.”
I fail to mention that I traded my father’s surname for my husband’s because I felt it was more pragmatic for when we had children.
When explaining this choice, invariably another woman will tell me, “You don’t have to make the rest of us feel bad.” This is never my intention, to make another woman feel bad because she has blindly accepted a patriarchal tradition, has decided to be a stay at home mother, has decided to take on the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning in the home, or has decided to embrace traditional female roles, but for some reason my professing to be a feminist and to reject some of the roles, not all of them, does.
*****
It’s not like I ever joined a club or signed a pledge or read over the feminist rules before proclaiming, “I am a feminist.”
What would those rules look like?
1. Never wait to have a car door opened.
2. Never allow someone to refer to you as “honey” or “sweetheart” or any other infantilizing reference.
3. Always insist you can do things for yourself, even when you can’t.
4. Be sure that you are self-sufficient, not relying on a man for safety or security.
5. Speak loud enough and deep enough that people take you seriously.
6. Cuss occasionally to show others you are edgy.
7. Never settle for second best when you can get first best.
And is it okay to demand that other feminists follow these rules? Is it okay if I don’t follow the rules another feminist has made for herself?
And what are the rules for being a goddess?
1. Let others open doors for you if they get there first and your hands are full.
2. Accept graciously all compliments, even those about your hair style and body size.
3. Allow others to do things for you when they offer whether or not they are more capable than you.
4. Train your partner to appreciate you and show that appreciation with lavish gifts.
5. Use your words wisely to influence those around you.
6. Have impeccable manners, even when those around you do not.
7. Never settle for second best when you can get first best.
And if I accept that I am a nazi when it comes to feminist/goddess ideals, which set of above rules do I fanatically dedicate myself to?
*****
As part of an all-female group, I took it upon myself to change the patriarchal word “God” in some of our readings to the feminine ideal, “goddess.”
I was severely reprimanded and pressured to apologize in a public forum. How dare I take it upon myself to assume that other women would want to shuck off the masculine term for a Higher Power.