by BJ Beauchamp
(picture by Hugh O'Conor…)
I hate shopping. I proclaim that to all, loud and clear. However, upon closer inspection, I realize I am lying to myself. Apparently I do enjoy shopping — it just depends on what for. In the Los Angeles area, you can find just about any type of store carrying just about whatever it is you want, and if you can’t find it here, you can at least find it after a half-day’s drive to an outlet mall. Push come to shove, there’s also the internet, or crazy as it sounds, you can look through all of those catalogs clogging the mailbox six days a week.
I don’t like shopping because I have gotten into a bit of trouble in the past, but not like the gal portrayed in the upcoming Jerry Bruckheimer film, “Confessions of a Shopaholic” (more on that later). My purses (yes I have more than one) do not cost $400 and scream designer bag, not even knock-off. I do not own a pair of Prada high heels. I wouldn’t know Prada if I saw Prada. That is not my area of weakness. I used to have a thing for watches and garnet gems, but I can walk away from that stuff without a pang in the gut now.
Music stores (as in musical instruments) can be a giant source of vanishing funds from my bank account. “May I please touch that DoBro?” Sounds nasty, but it really is just an acoustic guitar whose sound comes from metal cones on its top instead of wood. My heart picks up a beat when I see all those keyboards, banjos, flutes, drums, and did you see that display of guitar picks! What a delicious cornucopia of colors, styles and sizes. I play all musical instruments – badly, but in my mind I can jam with the best of them. I do very much relish playing “Moonlight Sonata” on the keyboard, “Blue Danube Waltz” on the accordion and “Amazing Grace” on the mandolin, but the dog still howls when I play. Just in case you might wonder if a finer or more expensive instrument makes a better player, the answer is no. My mandolin was average cost, and while my teacher could make it sing my picking was just sad. Having a nice accordion does make taking years of lessons and hours of practice better for the mindset (at least it did for me). My parents bought my handmade Italian accordion in the early 70s which cost the same as a new car did back then. If the accordion needs to be worked on it gets shipped to Italy. My accordion has been repaired once – should there be a next time I get to go with it.
The other battle zone for my soul is the Apple store. Dang that Steve Jobs for making such delicious and wicked toys. I am head-over-heels nuts for my iPhone and have been for the last 18 months since I bought version 1.0. There I said it, let the intervention begin. Recently I went out to dinner with a friend that I had not seen in years who asked, “Are you always on your computer?” I was attempting to pull down a picture from the net to show my friend as it was relevant to the conversation and the number of bars were few in that area. Yes AT&T’s signal (or lack of bars) does have black holes like in Chinatown and at Universal’s City Walk. In the same store as the iPhone are all those fabulous Mac computers, and no I don’t have one, but I did buy one for my mom. Actually I bought my mom two Mac laptops as I replaced an older one not long ago with a spiffy black beauty with more features than anything my PC has, and which makes me turn positively green with envy. Oh I love my Windows based laptop it’s just there is no Genius Bar to go to for help and every bit of software costs not less than $500 and you install it yourself. The Genius Bar is Apple’s in-store bar with “techies” (bartenders) to help us regular folk. I think my I.Q. level increases just hanging out at that bar. It does appear I have a thing for bars be it signal strength or geniuses and I can’t find anything to dispute that. Throw in a pint of ale and a band of musicians and I’m at those bars as well.
Producer Jerry Bruckheimer, the man known for bringing us the films “American Gigolo” (many thanks for that by the way); “Flash Dance,” “The Rock” and “Pirates of the Caribbean” is bringing us the trials and tribulations of shopping addiction. He has such a knack for making social rejects come off as desirable and heroic that I’m actually starting to think I’ll enjoy this upcoming film. Maybe by the end of the film I will know what Prada looks like. But I won’t hold my breath.