Dear Wendy —
Normally our group doesn’t get involved in personal squabbles, but we girls took a vote last night to try and smooth things out. I think the final straw was the endless string of furious jingling voicemails that we all got on our iPhones from Tinkerbell. She certainly has a temper for such a little thing. You’d think someone had stuck her in a drawer again.
Wendy, over the years, we’ve tried to befriend you. You always snubbed us, haughtily referring to myself, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty as a “royalist sorority.” That truly wasn’t fair to us, especially since we had always tried to treat commoners as near to our equals. We asked you to come on outings and picnics with us, and we didn’t even ask you to carry the trains of our gowns, as one of your station might have expected. Heavens, we were more forward thinking than you gave us credit for. We had bunnies and sparrows to do that. We even offered to give you some of our older gowns to replace those ratty nightclothes that you insist on running about in. After all, if you were going to be one of our attendants, you’d have to dress a bit more appropriately. We just thought that you needed some more positive female role models to balance out those ne’er do well boys you were wasting your time with.
But you rebuffed all of our attempts at friendship. You called us old-fashioned. Well, I might point out that our ranks have swelled, and we are embracing diversity with the inclusion of Mulan, Jasmine, and Pocahontas into our ranks. As much as we would have liked to have had you as an “unofficial” member of our group, you know our requirements —
- Member must be a princess of the blood
- Member must be able to converse with woodland creatures
- Member must be able to sing spontaneously
Frankly, the girls and I are alarmed at the idea of this Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group that you are attempting to form. Isn’t there enough dissension and conflict in the world already? When they asked us to take our little sewing circle “public” as the Disney Princesses™, we thought it would be a good way to teach young girls the merits of being pretty, privileged, and happy to wait for your prince to come. We feel your group is not helping this world by being disruptive and rebellious. Dear, can’t you just keep quiet and understand your place in the world? Additionally, Tinkerbell has a lot of important projects in production, and she’s worried what the press might say, considering the past associations the two of you have had. Face it, Wendy, you’re a troublemaker. And troublemaker these days spells B-L-A-C-K-L-I-S-T. Not a very pretty word, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Wendy dear, can’t you find a more productive way to spend your time? I would bet that nice spaniel Lady needs some help with those darling pups of hers. That’s more the kind of thing a girl of your class should be doing.
Your friend,
Cinderella
Corresponding Secretary, Disney Princesses™
Dear Cindy,
Hm. Where to begin?
I’m trying to think of a kind, yet firm, yet simpleminded enough answer that you and the other girls will find easy to understand. This may be beyond my capabilities, but I’ll give it a go.
First off, I’m fairly sure I never referred to anyone as a “royalist sorority.” It doesn’t sound like me. In fact, I can’t remember referring to any of you at all. I remember we knew each other for a while, but didn’t have much in common. I mean, I don’t like shopping. And, forgive me, but how interesting is pink chiffon in the end, anyway? But if I gave the impression of being “haughty,” I certainly am sorry for that. I find myself wondering if any of you have read dear Dr. Freud’s work on the subject of projection, but I do apologize.
Now. That said. Let me be perfectly clear about this. You lot are a vicious, airheaded, corrupt bunch of sold out propaganda figures working for an imperialist power that seeks to consolidate its global hegemony. The fact that you drag the poor little woodland creatures into it and attempt to hide the nasty plain facts of your message in a series of lilting yet nauseating rhymes only compounds your villainy, your arrogance, your mindless sense of entitlement, and your complete lack of solidarity with the poor, weak, and struggling of the earth.
In short, you’re a waste of time. And I propose to waste no more of mine on any of you.
There. That sounds more like me. But “royalist sorority”? No, I definitely didn’t say that. Sold out bunch of botoxed demivirgins, yes, I definitely said that. So the next time you quote me, do get it right.
Cordially yours,
Ask Wendy
ps: And to any of my younger readers who may worry that they’re missing out on a good role model in the Disney Princesses™, let me just say this: do you seriously aspire to marry a guy who spends more time worrying about his hair than you do? Look hard at those pictures of Prince Charming and think about it.
(are you a real person or fictional character who needs advice? just ASK WENDY. and if you, or someone you know wants to join her Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group, email her, please…)