Hey girl, what's up? How's Paris? I hope you and your new little friend are having a ball over there, because things back at home suck. Big time.
OK, the meetings started going downhill as soon as you left the country, and that blank eyed freak Annie showed up and started throwing her weight around. You know what that little fascist had the nerve to say to me the first time we met. She walks up to me, holds up her hand and say, "How." I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to say. It's 2008, for God's sake. Then she asks me "how come" I don't wear my hair in braids. Honey, I had just come from the salon and had that Japanese flat iron number done on my hair, and no way was I going back to braids. And the whole time, that filthy dog of hers is sniffing my crotch. OK, no wonder she's an orphan. Her own parents probably couldn't stand to be around her.
Look, Wendy, you know I only joined your group to meet some new guys. And it had been slim pickins in that department, let me tell you. C'mon, St. Christopher. I mean he's hunky and all, but what's with carrying the little kids around on his shoulder. Hello?! No wonder he got bounced from the saint gig. But I have had my eye on that GI Joe. He's H-O-T, and a real man compared to the eternal youth that I had been seeing. So, I'm sitting next to GI Joe, and I'm trying to look interested, but not too available. And I notice that creepy Annie is staring at me. She keeps looking at my shoes. I had on those red Christian Louboutins that I got the day I went shopping with Bugs. He knows the best places for shoes. Have you seen his closet? To die for! Anyway, the next meeting, Little Orphan Asshole comes over and says she got me a present. And she hands me a pair of moccasins. With beads on them! I could have punched her in one of those blank eyes right then and there. Luckily I held it together, and suggested to GI Joe that we pop out for lunch. Let's just say it was a liquid lunch. That boy can really knock back the drinks. So much baggage with that one! Anyway, we had a few laughs, and I wanted to go back to my place, but he said that "duty called, little lady," and we had to go back to the meeting. When we got back, Freakhead Annie was blathering on about cutting welfare and closing the borders "so honest Americans can get honest jobs." Her crony and new best friend Foghorn Leghorn was falling all over himself to agree with her. I was ready to get the Great Spirit on the line to send back the ghost of Colonel Sanders to go all "extra Crispy" on that idiot bird's ass. At this point, I was starting to feel a little nauseous from that last mojito that I had at lunch. So Annie comes by, sniffs my breath, and says "You been hittin' the firewater, Missy? Maybe it's time fer another Prohibition?" I was ready to smack her, but my girl Dorothy suggested we wrap it up for the day. Thank god, because let's just say that I would have gone on the warpath.
So things start to break up, and I'm trying to get GI Joe to take me out to dinner. And all of a sudden, this tall, super creepy bald guy comes in. And it turns out it's Little Orphan Asshole's daddy. OK, I'm calling it here — he has "child toucher" eyes. They're white like hers, but creepier. This guy sucked all of the positive energy out of the room. Bugs was spooked! He grabbed me and said, "Doll, we are SOOO out of here." We grabbed GI Joe and Dorothy and headed for the first hotel bar we could find. Bill the Cat was able to get a hold of Dorothy on her Iphone, and he joined us later. The poor guy was shaking. More than usual. He said that Leghorn, Annie, and Big Daddy Warbucks were talking about the upcoming election and "that colored boy." That was enough for me. I went home, popped a Klonopin, and hit the sack.
OK, if you want this little group to accomplish anything according to your great vision, you better put down the chausson aux pommes and get your nightgown-clad ass back here. If you don't, I'm calling in my serious ghetto bitches to oust that blank-eyed freak- Cruella de Ville, Grendel's mom, Lady Macbeth, Mammy, Kriemhilde, Morgana Le Fay, and Catwoman. Kali said that she'd throw down as well, but technically she's not a fictional character.
Oh, and in case you haven't been following the news, tell your friend Wonder Woman that same-sex marriage is legal in California. So she and Peppermint Patty can make it legal now. Oh, I'm sorry, she’s "straight," right? Maybe it's time for her to ditch the Olympian gods and join the Church of Scientology.
Am I bitter? Not much.
Get your sorry ass back here and clean house.
Tiger Lily
Princess of the Piccaninny Tribe
Ask Wendy replies via email:
Hmmm. Tiger Lily, you interest me very much.
Well, it all seems to be going just swimmingly, and Wonder Woman and I have met some charming French fictional characters over here… Marcel Proust introduced us to the Duchesse de Guermantes. You should see her collection of Fortuny gowns, you and Bugs would swoon. And I’m learning a thing or two from Gina Sanseverina about practical politics. Her author, Stendhal, sends a special message to our editor, by the way. He says, “For the happy few.” I don’t know what that means – he says she will.
Can’t pass up this cultural opportunity. But I know you’ll keep me informed.
Á bientot from votre pal,
Wendy
(need advice? support? want to join the Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group? just email ASK WENDY… sure, she’s on holiday right now in Paris, and that horrible Little Orphan Annie is in charge, but this can’t go on forever, can it? if you believe in Ask Wendy, clap your hands, and maybe, just maybe, the magic will happen. when we need her, she’ll return…)