Dearest Miss Wendy —
I hope this letter finds you well. I am happy to see you doing so well in your endeavors. It is a bit ironic that you were always so resistant to play mother to the Lost Boys, myself included, and here you’ve gone and taken this ragtag confederation of Fictional Characters under your wing. Well, be that as it may, I am not sure whether you are aware that I am no longer in the employ of the esteemed Captain Hook. I am currently working as what they call a “personal assistant” to the lovely Miss Tinkerbell. She is doing quite well as the mascot for dear Mr. Disney’s Disney Fairies™. That Mr. Disney was a true gentleman, and was so kind to rescue us all from being forgotten by bringing us to life in that magic lantern production.
Anyway, Miss Tinkerbell heard of your crusade, and had some thoughts. Oh, she was terribly cross, and I could barely make out what she was saying with all of that infernal jingling and bell ringing that passes for conversing amongst her fairy folk. What follows is the best as I could do to translate it into our speech. Please know that I still hold you in the highest regard, and that these opinions are not my own.
Your friend, and would-be son —
Smee
Stupid big girl. Stupid ugly big girl. What you try to do stupid big ugly girl. Tink not dead. Stupid big Mister Barrie wrong. He say Tink small forgotten and dead. Tink live and is pretty forever. Stupid big girl Wendy get old. Tink not get old ever. Tink get tired of dumb cute Peter and his crush on stupid big girl Wendy. Tink move to Anaheim. Tink is star. Stupid big girl Wendy is not star. Big smart men in big people big work house say Tink is brand. Stupid big girl Wendy is not brand. Tink is Disney Fairies™. Tink has shiny shiny shiny DVD magic lantern picture this big people year. No stupid big girl Wendy shiny shiny shiny DVD this big people year. Stupid big girl Wendy not make friends with story people for stupid group. Tink take lunch at big people food place Ivy with Snow White and Cinderella and Cruella de Ville crazy crazy crazy big lady. They no like stupid big girl Wendy. They no join stupid group. Stupid big girl Wendy failure. Stupid big girl Wendy can have dumb cute Peter. Tink go to Grammy shiny shiny shiny award with Justin Timberlake. Ha ha stupid ugly big girl.
Dear Smee and Tink,
I wondered what happened to both of you. And completely unchanged, too! I’d heard you were working for Rupert Murdoch, Smee, but I’m glad to see it was only a rumor. Best of luck with all your projects, be careful with prescription drugs, and don’t forget to save something for your old age, Tink, because somehow I don’t think you’ll enjoy doing dinner theater in Des Moines.
Sincerely,
Ask Wendy
ps: who is Justin Timberlake?
(need advice? support? want to join the Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group? just email ASK WENDY…)