Dear Wendy —
Great Hera, what new indignity must I face next? I had just finished freeing a group of female sex slaves in Southeast Asia. I picked up some takeout while I was there, and was heading home in the invisible jet. I’d had such a week, so all I wanted to do was have a nice glass of wine, put my feet up, and watch Project Runway. But no, I get a call from my friend Clark, who works for a newspaper. And he tells me he saw an advance copy of Playboy, and I’m on the cover! Well, of course it’s not really me, just some young reality TV star dressed as me. But here’s the irony – she’d not even dressed! They painted my costume on her naked body! Merciful Minerva, what depths these men will sink to in order to make money!
I ask you Wendy, is that gratitude? I fought the Nazis for these Americans, I wear their flag on my costume, and this is the thanks I get. I don’t see them treating Superman or Batman this way. Some people may say it’s my own fault for wearing this skimpy costume. Shades of Pluto, my mother made this costume! What am I supposed to say, I don’t like it? She’s a 3000 year-old Amazon queen, what does she know about fashion and practicality in Man’s World? How was she supposed to know you can’t run in high heels? And let me just say for all of the heat that I get about this outfit, those American presidents sure seemed to like it. FDR, JFK, Bill, they were all making excuses to look down my halter. Well, not this current one so much, but I fear that Dionysus has cast his spell over the poor man.
Anyway, Wendy, I’m dreading going to work on Monday. I’m sure that even as I write this, idiot Flash has already bought 100 copies of that magazine and is racing around the Justice League headquarters pasting up pictures to mock me. It’s bad enough that he and Green Lantern sing that inane song “Superman That Ho” every time that I walk in the meeting room. Suffering Sappho, doesn’t anyone monitor the American entertainment industry for terrible songs like these that degrade our sisters? Wendy, how did you live all alone with those “lost boys” without losing your mind? I must say that it was much easier growing up on an island with only women. All of our sacred cycles were in tune, so for one week a month we either didn’t speak to one another or we did battle, and after that all was peace.
Wendy, is there sexual harassment legislature for those of us who live in the fictional worlds? I am sick and tired of these men turning down the heat in Justice League HQ so that they can get some adolescent thrills by looking at me. Can I tell you how much it slows down a battle with The Legion of Doom to have everyone keep checking to see if I have “nip slip?” I’m sorry! I wear I strapless costume! You guys wear your underwear on the outside, can we just move on, for Hera’s sake! I’m over it!
Wendy, I grew up living, working, and fighting alongside women, so I would be honored to be part of your Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group. But is there any way that we could exclude men from our meetings? In light of this recent Playboy episode, I’m feeling like I need the solace of time with my sisters, free from the boorish comments from the likes of that Flintstone fellow, that do-good archer who steals from the rich, or your boy who won’t grow up. Any chance for a girl’s night?
Your companion in the good fight
Diana, Princess of Themiscyra
Known in Man's World as Wonder Woman
Dear Diana, also known as Wonder Woman,
You have to give me a minute. I’m still in shock at hearing from one of my heroes. This is the magic of the Internet: me, an English schlub in her nightgown gets to communicate with a goddess! And from her semidetached in a not very good part of London!
Just let me down this sherry and we’ll get back to your problem. Okay. Better now.
Well, Diana, I’ll bet after you wrote this and got it off your chest (sorry), you calmed right down. I mean, there’s not much you can do about the sophomoric humor of your fellow superheroes. You’re right – I know a lot about this after putting up with those Lost Boys. (How many times can you laugh at the answer to the joke ‘What did one wall say to the other?’ For some reason, that one convulses them every time they tell it.)
There’s only one response: ignore it and get on with your work. Don’t give it any energy. Sure, this is the kind of thing the Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group is hoping to get a handle on, but we’ve got to get to the bottom of the problem (sorry), rather than just wasting time in trivial battles over symptoms. I know you agree you’re got more important things to worry about. I mean, saving the world has it over arguing with a bunch of men in touch with their inner dweeb any day.
Let it go, Diana. Don’t let it bother you. You’re bigger than this (sorry). And in the meantime, I’m totally in favor of a Fictional Characters girls’ night. In fact, I suggest we invite that Tiffany Fallon girl on the Playboy cover. She’s definitely not a real person of any known kind.
I’ll give you a call later and we can set something up.
Yours in solidarity,
Ask Wendy
(are you a real person or fictional character who needs advice? just ASK WENDY. and if you, or someone you know wants to join her Fictional Characters for Real Life Social Change Working Group, email her, please…)