by Wendy Darling
Greetings Mortal Girl Wendy–
As much as it distresses us to call on the assistance of a human mortal such as yourself, we do have little understanding of the waking world of your kind. Before we relate our tale, we ask you to contain your temper and rein your impudent tongue. We will not be judged by the likes of you, tiny mortal.
As you know, we sometimes develop affection for a human mortal babe. And o’er the ages, we have been known to spirit such a child away to our green meadows, there to serve as an amusement for us. My lord Oberon does not always approve, but fie on him for denying us our innocent pleasures. Some scant years ago, by your mortal tally, we found ourselves smitten with a mortal infant. We swathed him in mists and took him back to our gentle realms. And in his place, as is our way, we left an enchanted twin of our creation, what you human mortals call a “changeling”.
Recently, we heard a gentle and beguiling voice lifted in song. Its echoes reached our glens from your mortal world, and enraptured us. As we pierced the mists to see from whence this voice issued, we were shocked. Our own magical changeling had grown up to a comely youth, a minstrel of sorts. Around his fair face swirled a nimbus of faerie flax, and mortal maidens swooned at his ballads. The changeling now refers to itself with the mortal appellation of Justin Bieber.
Girl Wendy, we created this creature, and we demand that it return to the land of faerie, where it rightfully belongs. The human child that we brought to our kingdom lo these years past has grown up to be a boorish and tiresome lout. It has grown fat on our jam and honeysuckle cakes, and demands that our handmaids concoct something called a “frappuccino” from foxglove and fern fronds. We want our changeling back to fill our meadows with sweet song. Since you have trod the soil of mortals and of fair Neverland, will you act as our arbitrator in this matter, Girl Wendy? We have the softest bed of cowslip and marigold all prepared for the lovely creature to rest its dear head on.
Titania
Queen of Faerie, Gloriana of the Sublime Realms
Dear Titania:
I would be DELIGHTED to do anything I can to send Justin Bieber back to Faerie land.
I don’t suppose you’d like Miley Cyrus, too, would you?
Yours,
Ask Wendy