by Wendy Darling
Wendy—
January’s here and it looks like I’m out of a job. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was starting this new gig. My biggest worry that day was keeping that top hat on and making sure that sash covered my junk. Now I’m toting a scythe and looking like f*cking Gandalf from LOTR. I’m hella old. Sucks! And now what?
Wendy I got totally shafted. 2009 got all the good sh*t. He got the black guy becoming president and Michael Jackson dying. He even got Avatar! Killer sh*t! What did I get? F*cking Haiti earthquake. The gulf oil spill. That crazy volcano crap in Iceland. What the eff is a volcano still doing blowing up in the 21st century? Then I got those miner guys buried in wherever the f*ck that was. Chile? And whatever Wikileaks is. Bristol Palin on Dancing With The Stars? Miley Cyrus cheeching out on whatever the f*ck that was. Like cilantro or some sh*t. Sex And The City 2? Dude! That is some weak-ass crap! I’m going to go down as a totally bogus year. I didn’t even have any good people die in my year!
And does that new brat even want to know how things work around here? No! He could barely bother to look up from his iPhone to say hello. All I got was, “OK, you can go now. I’ve got things under control.” I thought it was nice that he wanted to take a picture of me until I found out that he tweeted with the caption “Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. ROFLMAO.” That little prick. So smug because he’s got a royal wedding coming up in his year.
So now what? I have got nothing to do, and none of the old years want to hang with me. You know things are bad when the 90’s blow you off. The 80’s look at me like I’m some poser. The only thing 2009 said to me was, “Well, I got things all set up for you, and you made a real mess of it.” Dude, it sucks ass.
Wendy, did I really f*ck things up that bad? I’m hoping I can get a job at Starbucks or Target or something and just chill until this sh*t blows over.
I’m out. Lates yo-
2010
2010,
I would say I feel your pain, except that I'm really glad to see the back of you. I think we all are. Wake Up and Smell the Coffee, as my mentor Ann Landers used to say, you messed up big time. You started out in denial; you ended in disaster. Hey, it happens. Pretend everything's going to be all right, when everything is NOT going to be all right, and this is where it gets you—an employment opportunity at the local coffee bar.
To be fair, you are not alone in this. Ask Wendy feels that the entirety of Western Civilization, freaking out about realities it doesn't want to face, has driven into a similar dead end: a destination featuring severe memory loss, denial of responsibility, failure of long term planning, and, most of all, hysterically competitive pursuit of trivial goals.
Tell you what, 2010. Here is the absolute best advice I can give, though I know you not only won't take it, you'll be mad that I gave it at all. Nevertheless, this is the only way I can imagine you will be able to turn around from being a whining, self-involved, antidepressant-popping (I'm right, aren't I? don't deny it, you can spot it a mile off), boring Big Drag. Just like, might I add, so many others in the entitled, endlessly kitchen-renovating, cosmetic-surgery obsessing upper reaches of the middle class you were so kind to this year.
Take the money you saved from your 2010 gig (and don't tell me you didn't pack away some bonuses for looking the other way when the present Administration let all those nice rich people off the hook), reduce your expenses down to practically zero so it'll last, and get started volunteering for somebody like Catholic Worker . They've got a lot more homeless people coming through the door this winter, thanks to you. Trust me, it'll take your mind off your more transient problems.
It might cheer you up to know I gave the same advice to Conan O'Brien when he wrote me bitching about getting shafted on the Tonight Show. And he isn't speaking to me now either.
Yours, hoping 2011 is more simpatico,
Ask Wendy