by Wendy Darling
Dear Wendy,
I must apologize for being out of touch, but I have literally been in meetings day and night regarding a possible new business opportunity. Wendy, they say nature abhors a vacuum, and the same apparently goes for the media world. They are in a tizzy about Oprah ending her show. It seems that Americans love to see a nice friendly black face, as long as it’s on their TV screens and not at their front door (or in the White House, as the case may be). So these TV people have been hounding me to become the next Oprah. Let me tell you, this has been a real eye opener.
First off, they want me to lose weight, or at least try to lose weight. Seems Americans can relate to celebrities who struggle with weight issues, and it keeps your face on the magazine covers. Then they asked me if I could act more “black.” The feeling is that Oprah and the Obamas are too highfalutin’, and are alienating Americans. They think viewers will prefer that wise “mammy” character dispensing her sage advice. They want me to pepper my speaking style with expressions like “child, you best listen to me now” when I share my wisdom with a teenage mom or a wronged wife. They even suggested a trademark “Jemima moment” where I embrace a distraught guest, lay their head on my bosom, and stroke their hair as I softly say “honey, it’s all goin’ a be alright. They guaranteed that the audiences would go wild and be brought to tears. Let’s not even talk about the hideous gingham dresses they got Isaac Mizrahi to design for me to wear.
Well, needless to say I was not very pleased with any of these ideas. Did I mention that they want to move the program to a morning time slot to compete with the “Today” show? They think my “pancake” image will play better with morning audiences. They even want to give me a sidekick, like Johnny Carson had Ed McMahon. Except mine was supposed to be Mrs. Butterworth. These producers were trying to pitch this as two “women of color” solving people’s problems. Wendy, please! Mrs. Butterworth may be made out of brown glass but she's not a sista!
So I have one more meeting with the producers on Monday. And if they are ready to discuss a serious talk show about real issues, I’ll listen. But if they are expecting some “shuck and jive” performance out of me, they are talking to the wrong woman. Would they pull that crap with Maya Angelou?
Don’t get me wrong. I know I’ll have to do the occasional cooking segment. But if nothing else, I want to show that Martha Stewart a real woman can run a kitchen and still keep a smile on her face. And I had better see some Diane von Furstenbergs on that wardrobe rack or I am out the door.
Girl, when this is all over we are going to the Russian Tea Room for cocktails. Tell Wonder Woman to keep her nights free.
Best,
Jemima
Jemima!
How delicious to hear from you! Yes and yes, from both me and Wonder Woman—The Russian Tea Room whenever you say. That is, if they'll let us in. Remember the last time. I don't think that sommelier will EVER be the same.
By the way, I think you're underestimating Mrs. Butterworth. I met her at a conference she organized last year ("Food and Feminism: How to Get the Whole World Back Into the Kitchen"), and we had a couple of laughs together. That woman has a wicked sense of humor. You're wrong about her not being a sista. At least, if she isn't, she's everything else: have you ever LOOKED at her list of ingredients? She says her next move is to run for political office. "If Sharron Angle can do it," she says, "so can I."
I think you'd like her, actually. Maybe we'll bring her along to the Tea Room.
Oh, and this time, let's try to get the table away from the Goldman Sachs Christmas party. I don't think the management appreciated those spit balls last year. Though I have to say, Wonder Woman and I haven't stopped laughing since you got Alan Greenspan dead in the eye. Even Ayn Rand's ghost had trouble not giggling at that one–who knows what she and Scrooge would have done if they hadn't been trying to finish off that mound of caviar. And I loved your offering to arm wrestle Larry Summers for the check. I do think he should have taken your offer of best two out of three. What a chicken.
Yours as always,
Ask Wendy