by E. E. King
The Book of the Dead
A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on. —Carl Sandburg
Dirk was nervous. He sat in his apartment waiting. He was not sure how or when he would depart. About that, Lucifer, that Devil, had been maddeningly vague. He walked to the refrigerator, took out a beer, and returned to the overstuffed couch. Dirk slumped down into billowy pillows. He pulled out a cigarette, thumbed his lighter and inhaled deeply.
Was there really life after death?
Grasping the beer between his thighs, Dirk popped the top.
With a Whoosh! he was thrown backward. He felt his body being wrung into a narrow and sinuous shape, kind of like a liquid towel. It was not a pleasant sensation. As his body elongated and swirled into a funnel, Dirk saw his reflection whirling back at him from a window.
YIKESsss …
This was his last semi-cogent thought before he was whirled, swirled, and sucked down the beer bottle.
He awoke, sopping, shivering, and dripping beer, feet firmly planted on earth. Before him loomed an enormous pyramid, with an archway leading into darkness. Gazing into the hole, Dirk got a sick feeling in his stomach. He did not like dark, dank places in the earth.
This is heaven? He straightened his shoulders and headed down, down, down into the afterlife of ancient Egypt.
Dirk Quigby’s Guide to the Ancient Egyptian Afterlife
Note:
This is currently a “closed Heaven”—closed because this religion is no longer practiced. However it is still possible to gain entry. All you need is someone to mummify you and a personalized copy of the Book of the Dead.
End Destination:
All those who pass the tests of the underworld may enter the Blessed Land, which is a lot like the land of the living, except that it lacks sorrow, pain, and is underground.
In this afterlife, you are the proud possessor of three souls.
The Ka, created at conception, is an exact replica of you. The Ka is trapped within your heart and expelled by death. It has to stay close to you and can never leave the tomb. The Ka will die unless your body remains inviolate. If your body is not correctly mummified, the Ka can live inside a picture of the body on the wall of the tomb, but it’s not much of a life. The Ka requires daily deliveries of fresh food and drink. It is particularly fond of frappuccinos.
The second soul is the Ba, referred to by apostates as the Ba-humbug. It represents your individuality. The Ba lives in the tomb but can come and go as it pleases. When visiting the land of the living, it can take on any form it wants to.
The third is the immortal Akh, which journeys through the underworld.
In order for these spirits to survive, your body has to be properly preserved. As this is an extremely costly procedure, usually only pharaohs make it to the afterlife.
When you die, your body is taken to the embalmer. A cut is made in the left side of your abdomen. Since it is a stoneable offense to harm the body of the pharaoh, even after death, the person who makes the cut is chased away and has rocks thrown at him. This job has very high turnover, lousy benefits, and no dental.
The brain is useless; the heart does all thinking. Therefore, all the organs except the brain must be preserved. The brain is pulled out through the nose and discarded. The deceased pharaoh who I questioned agreed that the brain is useless, then immediately forgot the question.
All organs are removed and stored in canopic jars. The body is packed with salt. For forty days and forty nights, it salts.
Then the body is wrapped in bandages layered with jewelry and amulets. The tomb is filled with furniture, food, carved statues, and games designed to make the afterlife more fun.
The last ritual is the “Opening of the Mouth.” This ceremony restores full use of all bodily functions. The Opening of the Mouth can also endow statues with the ability to eat, breathe, see, and hear, and play cribbage with your Ka. The Ka’s I met appeared almost obsessed with cribbage. The championships were even more vicious than those I remember from college!
If you want, you can mummify your favorite pet to take with you. Don’t forget the pet treats.
After you are mummified, you are carried in state to your tomb. At the end of the funeral procession stagger professional mourners, women dressed in blue, who wail, scream, and tear their hair. Rainy days and mummies really get me down.
The journey into the afterlife is difficult.
You begin your journey by crossing a wide river, which is guarded by monsters. The trip culminates in the “Hall of Two Truths.” Here you must answer accusations concerning forty-two crimes. Unfortunately, this is not multiple-choice, although it is open-book of the dead. As you counter these charges, your heart is put on a scale and weighed against a feather, which represents truth. If your heart is lighter than the feather, you can join the gods.
If it is heavier, a monster that is part crocodile, part lion, and part hippopotamus will consume your body. After the heart is consumed, you will cease to exist.
Usually, only the pharaohs were lucky enough to get to the feather test, and even though I’m certain that many of them were fine gentlemen, this Heaven was almost empty. In fact, there was only one pharaoh in evidence. He was an infant.
If accepted into the afterlife, you will be asked by Osiris to perform some menial, agricultural task such as deadheading his flower garden or weed-whacking his lawn.
Statues, “shabtis,” will have been left inside your tomb. These statues are reputed to come to life and will do the gardening for you. I asked the infant pharaoh about this, but he only gazed at me blankly, reiterated the uselessness of the brain, shook his sacred rattle, and wet himself.
Entry Requirements:
Each region of Egypt had its own special god. There was Thoth, the god of sacred writings and wisdom, who looked like a baboon; Sekhmet, the mistress of war and sickness, who was never invited to parties, and about two thousand others.
The first God was Re (Ra), the sun god. Re was the creator of life, the universe, and everything. He was also Osiris’ dad.
Osiris had many titles: King of the Dead, God of Agriculture, CEO of the underworld, Fertility, Controller of Nile floods, and Assistant Manager of the rising and setting of the sun.
His brother Set lured him into a coffin, telling him it was a new type of greenhouse, and sent him down the Nile. The coffin washed ashore in Lebanon, where a tree encased it. The king of Lebanon was bowled over by the grandeur, girth, and beauty of the tree, so he chopped it down.
Meanwhile, back in Egypt … Isis, protective goddess of women, learned of Osiris’ death. Isis was doubly fond of Osiris, being both his sister and wife.
She found Osiris’ body and intended to resurrect him, but Set stole the pieces, scattering them throughout Egypt. Isis collected the pieces and breathed life into them.
Osiris rose, a god-king; “but nothing that has died, not even a god, may dwell in the land of the living.” He was forced into retirement, given a gold watch, and became King of the Underworld. He had one final night on Earth, and what a night it was! He impregnated his sister/savior Isis, who conceived Horus, acclaimed for hatching a Who.
Horus (aka Haroeris, Harpocrates, Harsiesis, Re-Harakhty) became sky-god and living king. To avenge his dad, he fought Set. Horus carelessly lost an eye, which keeps reappearing all over, on amulets, dollar bills, and mason temples. Finally Horus defeated Set and castrated him … from which we derive the expression “an eyeball for a ball.” Set was cast into darkness, where he remains sore and ornery to this day. In the last days, Horus and Set will fight again. Set will be defeated, and Osiris will return. On that day, the Day of Awakening, all the tombs shall open, the just dead shall live, and sorrow shall pass away.
The spells and rituals cast by Isis, and others, were collected into the Book of Going Forth by Day, usually known as the Book of the Dead. This book, personalized for each dead person, contains about two hundred magical spells, sexual texts, songs, and pictures, which help in navigating the afterlife. Karma Sutra for Corpses.
Quality Ratings (one- to five-star):
Perks: ** —You CAN take it with you.
Food: ** —Bread is the main dish here, sometimes supplemented by fricasseed ox in a fig reduction sauce. It is always accompanied by barley beer.
Drink: ** —Barley beer is like the sun god: it burns going down, but afterward I felt immortal!
Music: * —I’ve never been partial to the blues.
Accommodations: ** —Very spacious, but dark. If you enjoy solitude and spelunking, this just might be the afterlife for you.
Entry Requirements: * —(The more stars the easier the entry.)
Overall Rating: **
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