by Mat Capper
Int. Large Office (Daytime)
Sat around a table are General Eisenkophf, Richard Biggins, Oliver Cranton, and Christian Topley-Applethwaite.
Christian
Morning gentlemen. Welcome to the committee.
Maybe we could just go round the room and all introduce ourselves.
Richard
Why?
Christian
In case some of us haven’t met before, and also because the writer is lazy and it’s great exposition for the reader.
Richard
Okay.
Christian
I’m a Christian and also Christian
(laughs to himself).
As you know I am the chair of this committee, specially created to feed back to the government any ideas we have in the field of distraction. I’d like to introduce General Eisenkophf from our counterparts in the US.
(The General speaks with a distinct Texas accent.)
General
Morning, gents. I have been sent here in an advisory capacity. I have spent over thirteen years acting as Chief Advisor to the Senate in matters of distraction. I am here to fine tune any ideas that you fine gentlemen have.
Richard
Morning, gents. I am Richard Biggins, but you can call me Dick, I answer to Dick. I am the link between the Prime Minister and the media in all matters of distraction. This is Oliver Cranton, my personal secretary and man in charge of the creation of all new diseases.
Christian
Thanks, guys. Can I just start by reminding you all of the yellow card; whatever gets spoken about in the room, stays in the room.
This emergency meeting has primarily been called as a result of the figures of civilians killed in Iraq being somehow leaked out to the media.
Oliver
Is it really 1.3 million?
Christian
Obviously, officially, no; the number of innocents killed isn’t recorded; no-one comments on that number. We focus on regime change, the threat of terror blah blah blah.
Oliver
But this is absolutely tragic, a disgrace.
Christian
Of course in this room it is, but out there we don’t speak about it; we can’t. The problem is, the public are starting to get on to it, and I mean the general public and not just those ‘pain in the arse’ liberals. This is why the General has been brought in.
(General Eisenkophf stands, takes a sip of water, straightens his tie and begins his tirade.)
General
Right guys, I’m not here to be liked; I’m here to kick ass. For too long now you guys have been dancing with these pinko clowns. I’m here to interject some good old fashioned ‘good time boy’ stories that’ll throw these ‘reds’ way off the scent.
Richard
We have had some success already with SARS and the threat of biological terror. We even introduced a colour scheme to signify the level of threat.
Oliver
But no-one bought that.
General
SARS my ASS. What the fuck was that about? Does anyone even know what it stands for?
(Mutual confused glances exchanged.)
Richard
Erm, Sick And….
(Long pause.)
Christian
Sick and Soiled…..
(Oliver is slightly embarrassed.)
Oliver
Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome; I came up with that one.
General
You what? Severe Acute what?
Oliver
Respiratory Syndrome.
General
What the fuck? No one was ever gonna buy that one.
Oliver
I thought it sounded rather British.
General
Listen you limey fuck; British my ass. Bottom line no-one bought that crap. What you guys need is to grab the headlines; frighten people to death. Have you even got a good tag line for this war? I’m thinking things like ‘axis of evil’, or ‘if you don’t stand for something, you might fall for anything’; something that grabs people by the cojones and makes them jump for joy like some sort of liberator.
Richard
‘War on Terror’?
General
Jesus Christ, that it?
Richard
People here seem to like it.
General
Jesus Christ. It’ll have to do, I suppose.
Christian
Can I just point out we have been using that tagline with some success for a good few years now.
General
I said it’ll have to do. There are two main points that could lose us this war. First, as mentioned before, is the number of dead. Second is this whole Nobel peace prize for Obama thing. No-one is buying that. I told them it wasn’t a good idea.
Richard
No-one was ever buying that one.
General
I accept that. We’ve even had to shelve plans for George Bush to become a special Peace Ambassador to Kabul.
Christian
I know what you mean, we couldn’t get Blair elected as President of Europe. This whole war thing has really damaged his reputation.
General
Anyway, we’re at this stage and there’s not a god damn thing we can do about it. So before I make any suggestions does anyone here have any ideas?
Oliver
A disease?
General
Risky, very risky. Been done.
Richard
We’ve saturated the disease market of late.
General
If you are going to do it, make it count. Bird flu was a terrible one, swine a little better. Back home we came up with ‘Africanized bees’, now that was a winner.
Richard
I remember that one. The bees were larger and more deadly.
General
Yes. Recently I suggested Islamic wasps, but no-one was having it.
Oliver
How about Shark flu?
General
Too glamorous.
Richard
Insect Flu?
General
Too vague.
Oliver
I got it; Rat flu.
General
Better, much better. Now you’re cooking. Add to it.
Oliver
Okay, how about it being an air born disease?
General
Good, good.
Oliver
The male rat dribbles when it urinates and the splash causes the disease to become airborn.
(Notes are furiously scribbled.)
General
Perfect. Rats have always had bad press. Who catches it?
Christian
Make sure you get some credible victims this time. I’m thinking kids, maybe even puppies.
Richard
‘Swine’ flu’s first victim was 98 year old Edna Banks; no-one bought that.
Oliver
We’ll develop a vaccination to prevent the ‘pandemic’.
General
Is there no word bigger or greater than pandemic?
Christian
Transdemic?
Oliver
No, Pandemic is the biggest.
General
Okay guys, this is good. I’ll run it by Washington and see if we can get you a few victims. Do you think we could link this one to Islam?
Christian
God no.
General
Okay, hold that idea.
(Furious taking of notes ensues. Christian writes ‘Rat Flu’ next to a number one on the whiteboard.)
Christian
Okay we got the disease. Next we need some sort of scandal.
General
Something for ‘the public’ to focus on; have you got any extreme political parties?
Richard
Not really, they just get ignored mostly.
Oliver
Hang on; I have been looking into this. We’ve got the British Communist party. Apparently in some cities they have the support of as many as three hundred voters. There’s a possibility in Liverpool of them gaining a council seat.
General
But surely the public aren’t interested in a gang of pinkos?
Richard
Not so; their leader, a mister Mick Tiffin, causes controversy everywhere he goes.
Christian
Isn’t he just some fat toff?
Oliver
No. During a recent debate he spoke about the BCP having a policy of returning all Capitalists to the South East of England. This led to a huge march by the Anti-Communist League.
Christian
I remember this; it resulted in their leader Alex McCleish being arrested for assault.
General
Did this get much press?
Richard
A little.
Oliver
It made the headlines on news at ten.
General
You serious? This is great.
Oliver
Yes.
General
Can we get Mick Tiffin on a prime time show?
Christian
I’m pretty sure we could get him on Question time.
General
Good, good. Then we could encourage the ACL to protest?
Oliver
Yes. Can you imagine? We could then get various political parties attacking Mick Tiffin on prime time television.
Richard
Possibly even Jack Straw. This would do wonders for his ratings.
Christian
Would people buy this though? Given Jack was partly responsible for invading Iraq?
Oliver
Good point. Mind you the public love a bit of hypocrisy.
General
Especially them lefties; Makes them feel better about themselves.
Christian
Good. Anyone got any good ideas of some sort of figurehead for the campaign to smash the BCP?
Richard
Ahead of you already. We’ve got great feedback from Phil Collins. He’d be happy to release a protest song and perform a tour in support of the ACL. He’s even releasing a collection of poetry called ‘Stories from a Caring Capitalist’.
Christian
Fantastic. I love Phil Collins.
Richard
Me too. He’ll even attend some marches.
General
Okay, troops. That’s a start. We got to concentrate on these two strands of distraction. Remember never under value hypocrisy. People are shallow and self obsessed. Use the Rat flu to frighten and the commies as a way for the public to vent anger. One day this could all be over and where would we be then? Where would I be without war? I tell you where I’d be; I’d be making war; War against the pinkos; War against those too frightened to fight; War against anyone to protect my way of life, to protect my freedom to fight, my freedom to go to war.
Christian
We’re with you, brother, all the way.
General
‘Let’s not take what this land gives to me, but take the land of others, because that land is my land;
Is our land’. You know who said that?
(A collective shaking of heads.)
General
I just did. Let that be your motto, our motto, and remember never give in. In the name of freedom, never give in.
(The three are a little bemused.)
Christian
Okay, thanks, General.
(To Richard and Oliver.)
Christian
So you know where to go with this. Start immediately with the disease. Release a statement denying all knowledge of ‘Rat Flu’. That’ll get them going. Any question?
Oliver
I wanted to mention the scandal I have been working on.
Christian
Okay.
Oliver
The great civil service stationery scandal.
Christian
You serious?
Oliver
Yes, we’ve been working on this before we went with the MP’s expenses thing.
Richard
You see, every year thousands of pens and pencils go missing from stationery cupboards in civil service offices all over the country.
Oliver
The public would love this one.
(Christian is bemused.)
Christian
Keep that in reserve, we’ve got months left in the MP’s expenses yet, months.
Oliver
Okay, I’ll develop it.
Christian
In summary, guys, and to follow on from the General’s Advice, it is imperative to steer away from the truth. It’s all about the mirrors, guys, the smoke and mirrors. If some truth gets leaked always hit back with a distraction. If thousands of children are brutally murdered. do a press conference about Paris Hilton. If casualty figures sneak out, release a story about Boris Johnston shagging a goat. Hammer home the threat of the BCP; get
Collins a knighthood; report of Rat flu deaths. But never mention that we may have been wrong.
General
God damn it. We are never wrong. Now come on, guys; we rely on you. Go bring chaos to calm; go bring fear to the people, and maybe one day we can all sit back and think we did that, we destroyed the world.
Fade to Black.
Large Explosion.