by Marie Davis & Margaret J. Hults.
Ships, like women, are vessels. That’s partly why Lizzy chose a pirate’s life. The second reason was that pirate sap ran through her genealogical tree. Regrettably, accountants, teachers, bankers, and the ilk had contaminated the family’s bloodline over the generations. Nevertheless, Lizzy was the proud great-great-great-granddaughter of the famously malevolent pirate, Captain Catherine Hagerty. In the early 1800s, great-great- great Grandma Hagerty and her partner Charlotte Badger pirated a ship they named Venus. Venus, a coconspirator, and the women plundered exotic destinations, swung swords, fired muskets, conquered ships and stole booty, and as lesbians will do, they left each port with their gut full of the taste of women.
But generations later, Lizzy had never even seen the ocean and ached with professional aspirations of sailing, murder, and thievery. Although thirsty for salty seawater, she did live on her own pirate ship christened Venus II, a ninety-foot long single mast sloop. She was a strapping, seaworthy gal at almost eighty tons. Venus II could be a prickly bitch with four cannons sticking out from holes on the starboard and port sides. Her crew included an odd mishmash of four outcast lesbians. Captain Lizzy, the Master Gunner and “trash treasure” horder Bunny, grandmotherly First Mate Esmeralda, and the mildly cannibalistic Boatswain Rosie all lived, somewhat harmoniously, aboard the ship. Sadly, the Venus II was dry-docked on a small, grassless, gravel-less, pavement-less, weed-full vacant lot next door to Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart was a huge whale of a department store. Gluttonous for customers, it baited them with low prices and all-in-one shopping. This mega-store swam alongside the traffic-clogged Highway 22, mixed in with schools of chain restaurants, car dealerships, liquor stores and parking lots. Six lanes of traffic tided all hours of the day and night. Sitting on the deck of Venus II, the pirates looked out onto a depressing sea of over-franchised garbage. It was a painful reminder that some people’s dreams come true to exceed excess.
This particular morning, Captain Lizzy was in a confessional mood. Shrugging, she turned to her crew saying, “I just think we’re all going just a little stir crazy after sittin’ for years in this magnificent ship, stuck next to that big ass Wal-Mart.” Raising her voice a tad she continued, “I set up this ship on this here beautiful piece of land—I wish you could have seen it. Not a person for miles—then this crap was built—and all the birds, grasses, foxes, and snakes done run off. I don’t blame ‘em. Why didn’t I have smarts to run off too? I wish you could have seen it Esmeralda, it was clean peace around here until that whale of a store showed up.”
A tear trickled from Esmeralda’s eye, “Wal-Mart, that rotten so and so. H-E-double toothpicks. Y’all know I had a little dress shop just downtown on Main Street, opened it the year I turned 21. I loved my shop and I loved the women who came in there too. There was Mrs. Smith, she only wore blue, and the Gatwood twins who dressed alike—all the time, even in night clothes—frankly, I always wondered ‘bout them two old maids. And what about Ethel? Whatever became of Ethel? Every time that man of hers would rough her up—why she’d come in for my special service.” Esmeralda winked and licked her lips, “Then she’d turn right around and buy my fanciest dress. Cheered up she would be, that’s the power of my good lovin’. Yessie, I knew all my customer’s names, right along with their family, including their dogs and cats. But it takes more than a few loyal customers to keep store doors open. Yeppers, Wal-Mart done ruined me—an others I know—except I’m certain mine musta hurt the worstest. That ‘ol so-and-so Wal-Mart stripped me bare of my life, my love, an’ my whole darn community.”
Bunny jumped to her feet, “Community? I say stick all the people in landfills and let the trash roam free!”
The other three pirates rolled their eyes and groaned.
Bunny retorted, “Well, you gotta admit it—life sure would stink less! Aw, shit! I’m the Master Gunner of this ship ‘cause I’ve got guns, black powder, and garbage a runnin’ through my veins. What I never told ya was that back in the day I had the largest gun shop in town, until that freakin’ Wal-Mart moved in and pushed me out of business. My kids begged me to stay open, but I closed the doors, packed those villains off and took to treasure hunting full time. Those kids of mine, damn leaches, hell, I was going to leave my gun store to ‘em.” Bunny growled, “I planned to watch ‘em all fight it out, or better yet shoot it out for their share. That plan could have significantly shortened my Christmas list.”
Rosie took her fingers out of her mouth just long enough to mumble, “Can you imagine that Wal-Mart fired me just ‘cause I like to nibble on myself every once and a while? I mean what’s wrong with a touch of some personal cannibalism. Eye lashes, buggers, fingernails, toenails—I say, waste not want not.”
Captain Lizzy dropped her head, “We don’t live in the USA no more. We’ve become the US of A—for—M. United States of America for More. And that infernal Wal-Mart helped us get there. More? F-U-C-K! M-O-R-E is the newest four-lettered word.”
Esmeralda wrung her hands, “Consumption, consumption—people are dying of consumption. Just like they used to do in the good ‘ol days—only different.”
Doused in gloom, the crew stood motionless while Lizzy stared at each of them for an awkwardly long time. Nodding to herself, Lizzy slowly straightened “I’m yer Cap’n and each ‘o ye is my mates. Where one of you’s has pain, we all share it likewise. I do believe it’s time.” Pulling her short-barreled musketoon from her belt and swinging it up in the air, Lizzy proclaimed, “Pirates, I’ve decided—to the cargo hold! Today, the enemy tastes our venom!”
The large wooden door to the cargo hold creaked as the pirates swung it open. A foul, gassy odor rolled out choking everyone but Bunny, who inhaled deeply with pride. Over the years, Bunny had lovingly stuffed her scavenged “treasures” into the hold, secreting away piles of debris that eventually filled the cargo hold five feet deep.
Lizzy commanded, “Tis’ time to let us have this, Bunny.”
“Don’t know if I can do that Captain, what ‘bout all the lovely little cockroaches, ants and beetles that counts on this fer a home?’”
Haggling with Bunny continued for upwards of an hour, until they finally convinced her to part with her treasures. Afterwards, the women—including the reluctant Bunny—lined up in a bucket brigade fashion. They passed armloads of tuna cans, egg cartons, bags and bags of rumpled, ketchup-stained burger wrappers, soured milk cartons, flattened soda cans, plastic water bottles, banana peels, apple cores, plastic straws, and miscellaneous muddy garments up from the cargo hold and onto the Gunner Deck.
When Rosie pulled out two knit gloves Bunny snarled, “Hey! Watch it, them’s a rare find. Don’t you know how hard it is to come across a matching set? I’m the envy of the streets!”
“I’m bein’ careful. Lookie here, I’ll stick ‘em in this salmon can, says select on it. That’s better, right?”
It took much of the afternoon to unload the entire cargo hold and carefully make huge, somewhat organized piles beside each of the four starboard cannons. Satisfied, Lizzy scaled the mast as the crew queued up. Standing in the crow’s nest, with a telescope in one hand and a bullhorn clinched with her hook, Lizzy called down to her crew, “Boatswain, raise the flag. First Mate, weigh the anchor. Master Gunner, arm the cannons. Hurry now, the enemy is within our sight.”
“Aye Aye, Cap’n!” Esmeralda flipped the switch to the winch and the huge anchor pulled off the ground through a cloud of dust. Rosie hoisted the skull and crossbones. Bunny scampered to fill each cannon with black powder and her beloved treasures.
In full battle-mode grin, Captain Lizzy hollered from her bullhorn, “Attention, all ye Wal-Mart shoppers! We are having a booming clearance sale today! Our holds are full and everything must go!” A large gawking audience grew rapidly in the Wal-Mart parking lot next door. Each person murmured to another, while quizzical, hopeful looks grew across their faces. Lizzy bellowed, “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and now we’ll blow…”
Esmeralda, Rosie and Bunny lit the fuses to their cannons, closed their eyes, and plugged fingers into their ears. Spellbound, Wal-Mart customers stood transfixed, anticipating bargains galore. A full twenty seconds passed.
KKKKAAAAAABOOOOOM!
KKKKAAAAAABOOOOOM!
An ear-numbing explosion shook the ground and rocked the boat. Milk cartons, cans, and burger wrappers with a lovely sprinkling of cockroach bits and ant chunks exploded from the cannons showering down on the crowd. Screaming, throngs of onlookers ran in all directions, knocking each other over and tripping on piles of Bunny’s treasures. The onslaught continued, chunks of flotsam and jetsam piggybacked onto people’s shoulders, forever staining their mega-store couture. With certainty, none of the shoppers at Wal-Mart anticipated a pirate attack in broad daylight and on dry land.
The crew vented as they continued to reload and fire. “This is for my friend Pete’s hardware store and my dress shop!” Esmeralda roared.
Kaboom!
Kaboom!
Customers, unable to escape the falling debris, huddled together taking cover behind cars.
“Yeah, and this is for the local bookstore.”
Kaboom!
Kaboom!
“. . . and the hair salon where I use to get my lunch!” Rosie screamed.
Kaboom!
Kaboom!
The skies were raining fast food wrappers glued together with special sauce and clumps of kitty litter. Between shots from the ship, you could hear people pleading loudly on their cell phones for the authorities to come.
“This is fer my gunshop!” Bunny shook her fists.
Kaboom!
Kaboom!
“And that one is for the land that used to be full of trees and wildflowers until Wal-Mart paved it over!”
KABOOM!
KABOOM!
Calls to 911 jammed the emergency lines, local police raced to the location when they heard the radio dispatch, “All units respond to the scene, lesbian pirates attack Wal-Mart shoppers with recyclables.”