by Tod Davies
Here’s the first thing I have to say about it: Mother, do NOT lock up your daughter. Forget about the virginity fetish. It’s way overrated, and when you think about who benefits from women attempting to service it, some very unsavory thoughts about the Men in Charge, even revolutionary thoughts, start drifting by.
Definitely forget the fear of pregnancy thing. Just because she has sex doesn’t mean she has to get pregnant. Remember when we used to understand that, back in the Sixties? If you love your kid, and don’t just want to dominate, squash, or let other people dominate and squash her, if you actually want her to be happy rather than just envying her youth and beauty…in short, if you want to be the Fairy Godmother and NOT the Wicked Stepmother…then give her a brisk, loving lecture on the value of self respect, the importance of sticking up for herself, and the most basic need of all, the Need to Know Yourself…then tell her about BIRTH CONTROL. Then give her a curfew. Then leave her alone.
Remember how you were at the same age? Be honest, now. You were either 1.) wishing you could have sex, 2.) having a pseudo version of sex so you could lie to yourself about your virginity, or 3.) having sex. Your daughter’s not any different. Nobody’s daughter is. The sick fantasies of patriarchal religions notwithstanding.
Here’s the second thing I have to say about it: Daughter, do not confide in your mother about your sex life. Do not be fooled into thinking your mother is your friend, no matter how eagerly she appears to want to fill that position. You may have to hurt her feelings here. But, trust me, this is a normal part of Growing to be a Whole Person. Your sex life is your own, from its own dim, unidentifiable beginnings all the way to your grappling with an understanding of what it means. It is not your mother’s. She has her own stuff to worry about. In fact, the first signs of your own sex life are the first signs that you are becoming a separate person from your mother, and that you’re starting out on your own road. By yourself. Your own road. This is your responsibility and no one else’s, and you only get one shot at it, so don’t mess up. Take it seriously. (Of course, if you run into trouble on your own road, ask your mother’s advice. That’s what mothers are for. And they generally know more about advice at this point than your friends do. Generally. You’ll have to make that call yourself.)
Notice I say “your own road.” This means exactly what it says. This means do not be fooled by a.) literature, b.) films, c.) television commentators, d.) religious leaders, or e.) well-meaning clueless idiots of all ages and walks of life, into thinking you should be walking someone else’s. Do not be fooled, or lulled (it’s easy to be lulled here) into thinking the road you have to take is identical to the road of your Loved Ones, no matter what category. Above all, do not be fooled into thinking (or lulled—don’t forget you’ve got some brisk walking to do on your own—no cheating) that any warm desires you feel for any young or old man mean that person is your Loved One. What these desires mean is that you want to have sex with that person. Mind you, and this is an important point, just because you desire someone does not mean sex is a compulsory activity. No, this is where you start finding out about yourself and walking your own road. Just because you like a guy, just because he makes you tingly all over, does not mean you have to have sex with him. Of course, you CAN have sex with him, as long as you make sure you won’t get pregnant or pick up any unsavory diseases (see Bristol Palin’s most recent interviews for some insight into why you want to take control of this). But you don’t have to have sex with him, is what I’m saying. It’s an option. That’s the important point: sex is a CHOICE. You have a choice. Don’t forget that. (I’ll never forget the guy who tried to blackmail me into having sex by accusing me of not being a liberated woman. I laughed so hard at that one that he abandoned me on a midnight street corner. He is now a pundit for the New York Times, and let me tell you, I never take seriously a word he writes as a result.)
Don’t forget this. It’s a very important point and will best assure you have a happy sex life, as well as a happy life, come to think of it. YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. This is the single most important thing I can tell you about sex, and the single most important thing I can tell you that will guarantee that what sex you do choose to have will be fun. (Additional Helpful Hint: Do not have sex to please anyone other than yourself. If you follow this rule, you will avoid many an unpleasant and potentially damaging situation.)
Now here’s the important corollary of that rule: Just because you have sex with a guy does not mean you have to be in love with him.
Mind you, you should be very careful about who you do choose to have sex with, because if you do it very often with the same person, you are going to fall in love—this is the way we are made. But remember, oh remember, you always have a choice about who you have sex with (see above). Also (although slightly outside the scope of this piece, still relevant) JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO MARRY THEM. In fact, in my opinion, it’s a good idea if you fall in and out of love at least three times before you give any serious thought to who you’re actually going to spend the rest of your life with. Important verb ‘spend’. You don’t want to waste any of your precious time on some useless twat who’ll make you do all the work, demand all the attention, and sulk when he doesn’t get his own way.
Be very careful here.
But back to sex.
Back, in fact, to talking to MOTHERS.
Mothers, I know, I know, all this is terrifying. What about all those horror stories you read in the New York Times (see above) about little girls so pathetically eager for approval that they will give blow jobs to all manner of unsavory men? Surely your daughters should be protected from such a fate?
Well, aside from my suspicion that many of those horror stories are secret wish fulfillment projections of the male writers (again, see above), let me say that while your daughters should definitely be protected against such unsavory men and their unsavory thoughts, the best defense is arming the girls to start with. That’s right. Give them the smarts and the self respect to laugh at a guy who expects such a thing. And if you’ve done your job correctly (You have, haven’t you? You’ve encouraged her to know her own centrality? You’ve made it clear that her purpose is to be the best person she can be, and not just to selflessly serve those around her? You’ve listened to her and encouraged her and caught her when she fell…up to a point? Good. Then you don’t need to worry.)…if you’ve raised a fine, healthy, curious, solid woman, then the above will never arise (no pun intended).
Let me also say that these kinds of horror stories are not about sex. These kinds of horror stories, of sexual exploitation and domination, are about power. They are about the powerless feeling their lack of power, and thinking the only way to security is to perform anything someone more powerful than they are demands. Feed the desires of the more powerful rather than their own.
This is a very fucked up situation, and can be seen, unfortunately, in many areas of our culture outside of youthful sex. And it has nothing to do with real sex. Nothing at all.
Real sex is a serious matter. It is a delightful matter. In fact, when practiced (and it needs a lot of practice) between two people of equal standing and power, with mutual respect and curiosity about each other, on a good firm mattress with a decent dinner to follow (see this month’s JAM TODAY for suggestions), it’s probably the most delightful thing I can think of right now. It gets more delightful the more you know yourself and your own desires, and can act on them. So start paying very close attention, because there’s a destination resort on that road of yours, and it is, in truth, a serious blast.