My Nervous Breakdown Soundtrack

by Mike Madrid

January can be a tough month. I remember one year returning to work after the Christmas holidays. My friend Bettina asked how my time off had been, to which I responded that I had had a nervous breakdown. When she asked why, I told her that hadn’t been one major one, but a series of small ones. “There was the one about how my health was in bad shape, the one about how I’d lost my edge, the one about how I was actually significantly less attractive than I had thought, the one where I actually had no great ideas,” I responded. “Should I go one?” She got the picture.

I’ve been preparing for my big nervous breakdown for most of my life. I feel like it’s inevitable, it’s just a matter of when, where, and for what reason. Many of my fellow Californians stock water and canned food in their basement for the big earthquake that may come one day. For me, “the Big One” will be my major, debilitating nervous breakdown. Since bottled water and canned peaches won’t be of much help to me when that hits me, I’ve been assembling a soundtrack over the years. At least if I have to have a shattered psyche, I can have some tunes to listen to make me feel worse.

First off, a classic. Growing up in the 70’s, everyone thought the Carpenters were such a squeaky clean brother and sister act. When listened to in retrospect, a lot of their music was pretty bleak, disguised by catchy arrangements and a soft rock gloss. Karen Carpenter’s bangs and pinafore dresses packaged a dulcet toned voice that positively dripped with depression and loneliness. One of the Carpenters’ most gloomy tunes is “Rainy Days And Mondays.” The opening line was often the subject of discussion for my friend Marlene and me. “Ai, Mike,” Marlene would say, her voice containing a hint of a Miami Cuban accent, “’talking to myself and feeling old’…so sad.” This particular song was always good for what I call the Work Nervous Breakdown. The feeling you have when you’re lost in a pit of despair, and you don’t see any way out.

This is the post weekend anthem, the coming back to work in January after a depressing holiday season. No light at the end of the tunnel. Breakdown

Ok, on to our next tune, the first of our Relationship Nervous Breakdown songs. “For The Good Times” was a big crossover hit for country music star ray price in 1970. Amid soaring strings is tale of a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. The singer is trying to maintain a brave and stoic face, until he can completely crack up in private, as evidenced in the opening lines—

“Don’t look so sad
I know it’s over
But life goes on
And this old world, will keep on turning”

While giving his soon-to-be ex encouraging words about the future being rosy, the singer knows that the end has come for him. There is that idea of trying to hold off imminent nervous collapse by gleaning a few last moments of happiness from a doomed relationship—

“Lay your head upon my pillow
Hold you warm and tender body close to mine
Hear the whisper of the raindrops
Blowing soft against the window
And make believe you love me one more time
For the good times”

“Make believe you love me one more time.” Ok, how much does it hurt to have to say that. I had a minor nervous breakdown on the bus once listening to this song. anticipating a breakup that never actually happened.

Let’s move on to big picture breakdowns. I used to wonder if I was well adjusted or so delusional that I didn’t even know how screwed up I really was. 1984’s “Drive” by The Cars, is a Realization Nervous Breakdown song. It’s when you learn that everyone else knows the one thing that you’ve been in complete denial about—that you are a complete mess And, of course, it’s all downhill from there. Once again, this song is swathed in soft backing vocals and synthesizers to soften the blow of how shattering the sentiment is.

“Who's gonna hold you down,
When you shake?
Who's gonna come around,
When you break?
You can’t go on
Thinking nothing’s wrong
Who’s gonna drive you home, tonight”

I actually had a mini nervous breakdown to this song once standing in the middle of a Home Depot store. The “big box store” shopping experience had nothing to do with my breakdown, I was just at a low point and the song was blasting over the store’s music system. And right then I had that horrible sinking feeling that I was as messed up as I had always suspected, followed by a minor crack-up in the lumber aisle.

While we’re on the self-realizations breakdown theme, let’s move on to The Smith’s “I Know It’s Over”, from 1986. The opening lines let you know that this is not going to be an uplifting song—

“Oh, mother I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well, enough said.”

This is the Unfulfilled Promise Nervous Breakdown. The singer realizes that his empty existence is the result of his own mishandling of his life, and he must now live with the consequences. Years of hiding behind smugness and intellect to cover insecurity have left him alone.

"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?

And if you're so clever

Then why are you on your own tonight? 

If you're so very entertaining

Then why are you on your own tonight? 

If you're so very good-looking

Why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know …

Cause tonight is just like any other night”

I had a tiny nervous breakdown to this song in the 80’s, as I listened to it on my Sony Walkman, alone in bed, in my dark studio apartment. Let’s move on.

Speaking of lying in bed, how about the song. 1968’s “Theme From The Valley Of The Dolls” by Dionne Warwick. Now we are getting into heavy duty, can’t deal with life, curl up in a ball and avoid life nervous breakdown. Let’s call this the Loss of Direction Nervous Breakdown. The Burt Bacharach arrangements encase the utter desperation of this song in a pretty package.

“Gotta get off, gonna get,
Out of this merry-go-round.
Gotta get on, gonna get…
Need to get on where I'm bound.

When did I get, where did I…
Why am I lost as a lamb?
When will I know, where will I…
How will I learn who I am?”

My friend Bettina and I would sing this one a lot at our old job. This is the song for when you realize you’ve really lost your way, and you’re just totally stuck for what to do next. The only answer is to pull those shades down and pull that down comforter over your head as you curl up in a fetal position.

Let’s go back to relationships for a moment. Just hearing country singer Tammy Wynette’s voice is enough to make my eyes mist over. That voice was filled with pain and heartbreak, which she used to great effect on songs like “’Til I Can make It On My Own.” This is the Denial Nervous Breakdown anthem, where you won’t actually admit that your relationship is over, and as a result you don’t let go, and just make things worse.

“I'll get by,  but no matter how I try
There'll be times you know I'll call
Chances are my tears will fall
And I'll have no pride at all from time to time”

Come on, what is worse than “no pride at all?’ Going in to a situation knowing that you’ll feel that way, and resigning yourself to it has got to be big blow to the old self-esteem.

Tammy was looking for her ex to get her out of a bad situation. Is that worse than just feeling lost, and dreaming that someone will guide you out of your miasma of hopelessness? That’s the theme of the Moody Blues “Question”, which we’ll call a Weltschmertz Nervous Breakdown song. During a particular lonely time on our lives, my friend Bettina and I spent many nights keeping each other company, living on a diet cocktails and bitterness. One night, she put this song on, and it hit me like a ton of bricks

“I’m looking for someone to save my life
I’m looking for a miracle in my life”

“I’m looking for a miracle in my life…” I’d heard this song since I was a kid, but now the words meant something entirely different to me. Now as adult, I did feel totally lost and in need of saving. I remember listening to this song again the following week as I trudged home though the cold darkness. It was Christmas, and amidst the colored lights and bustle of after work holiday shoppers, I had another little nervous breakdown, all alone in a crowd.

All right, now that we’re feeling so good, let’s revisit the Carpenters. How can a song with a title like “Goodbye to Love” possibly have an uplifting message?

“I’ll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die”

Though this song came out in the upbeat early 70’s, it echoes the loneliness of modern life, where human contact is so hard to establish. We’ll call this the Resignation To Oblivion Nervous Breakdown song, because in it, Karen has accepted the fact that her life will be a bleak and empty one—

“So I’ve made my mind up
 I must live my life alone
I know it’s not the easy way
I guess I’ve always known
I’d say goodbye to love
There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine.”

This is the end of the line. This is the breakdown that leads to depression as a way of life, and that thing that defines your character.  I also had a little breakdown to this song in an Arby’s, during a post-Christmas slump.

Since I mentioned fast food, we’ve come to one of my favorite songs. First off, it’s a great, epic pop masterpiece. Second, I had a nervous breakdown to this song in a McDonald’s in Mexico City. I was traveling by myself, feeling lonely, and suddenly I heard this song and it represented everything that was wrong in my life at that moment.  1983’s masterful “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by the gravel-voiced Bonnie Tyler

“Every now and then I get a little bit lonely,
And you're never coming round…
Every now and then I get a little bit tired,
Of listening to the sound of my tears…
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous,
That the best of all the years have gone by…
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified,
And then I see the look in your eyes…
Turnaround, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart “

There are few things worse than the Wasted Years Nervous Breakdown, and that’s what this song represents. The loss of hope that the future will hold anything good, and a life filled with regret.

“Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart”

We’ve come to the end of my nervous breakdown soundtrack with the magnum opus, the ultimate in nervous breakdown anthems—1975’s “Theme from Mahogany” by Diana Ross.

“Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?


Do you get what you're hoping for?

When you look behind you
there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?”

OK, how does it get worse than this? We’ll call this the Frozen Nervous Breakdown song. It asks the big questions of life that few of us have the answer to. It reperesents the hopelessness of being lost and feeling like you have no options in life. I thought this song was a downer when it came out in 1975, and it continues to haunt me. And so many of my friends have embraced the helplessness of “Theme From Mahogany” to express their own feeling of being lost. How many times since I’ve turned people on to the devastating brilliance of this song have I gotten a call from a friend saying that she is having a real “Mahogany” day. Or an e-mail from someone saying that they are having a real “Mahogany” moment in their life. It is perhaps the best encapsulation of that feeling of directionless nothingness that makes this song a classic for sufferers of nervous breakdowns.

January is a tough month to get through. It’s cold, it’s dark. Maybe you had a bad holiday season full of unfulfilled wishes for happiness.  It’s the perfect month for a little nervous breakdown. Maybe one of these songs will help you to express just the kind of hopelessness that you’re feeling.

As for me, I’m trying to avoid depression in 2009. As many around me sink into a mire of economic fear and dread, I’m avoiding depression by embracing the Great Depression. I’m fighting the blues by listening to happy, optimistic songs from the 1930’s. “We’ve Got To Put That Sun back In The Sky” is going to be my theme song for 2009.  Maybe that will hold off my big nervous breakdown for a few years.