or All The World's a Stage
by Mat Capper
I met the Liverpool based iconic filmmaker Chris Bernard lurking in bowels of our local painting and decorating shop in Liverpool. He was standing looking in the mirror holding an unravelled roll of wallpaper. He told me he was thinking of decorating his bedroom and was getting the feel of different patterns. I have the utmost respect for Chris and find him to be one of the most encouraging and enthusiastic people I have ever met. I once appeared in a political party broadcast with him dressed as a sort of Spanish Mickey mouse policeman, and it was great fun.. The problem I had, and often have with people I like, is that I have some sort of ‘Zelig’ complex.
Zelig is one of my favourite films, and for those who don’t know it, Woody Allen plays a complex character called Zelig who takes on the physical appearance of people he mixes with like some sort of human chameleon. He enters into therapy to try and find a cure and ends up falling in love with his psychologist (the average Woody Allen film really).
I didn’t physically change while deep in conversation with Chris but I felt myself becoming camper and camper as the time passed. I felt my body language change and the tone of my voice become softer and gentler. At the time I was experiencing adrenalin come down given I’d just been to the gym to lift some iron and hit a huge bag full of soft material (an exercise which is completely pointless but very funny).
The conversations I have in gyms tend to be along the lines of:
Big Ronnie Alright Mat, how’s it going, you’re looking juiced.
(juiced is a term relating to the taking of steroids to increase muscle(not Penis) size. I do not partake).
Mat Sound mate, just lifting heavy bruv (Mat becomes more animal like).
Big Ronnie Yeah, yeah, you’re well on the juice.
Mat Nah mate, just hard work. What you working today?
Big Ronnie Chest.
Mat Want a spot?
Big Ronnie Yeah mate.
Mat becomes increasingly more rough talking and begins throwing weights around the gym while slugging water and spitting the excess (I didn’t but I’m trying to make a point).
Now after the ‘workout’ the adrenaline is flowing though my body and I always walk faster and do feel slightly more positive. I smile at strangers and shout across streets at people I vaguely know.
During the meeting with Chris I did feel my heart gradually slow down and his warm dulcet tones did bring calmness and clarity to my fragile male ego.
I’m pretty sure my campness was exposed with Chris because I want to be liked by him. Maybe I am totally insecure and don’t really know who I am, or maybe we all do it to some degree or other. Who knows?
For me life is a constant performance of one type or another. I can have workmen round in my house doing some sort of heavy duty maintenance and I become increasingly masculine: telling jokes and swearing. Looking for some common ground conversation like football or boxing and saying things like:
You want a cup of fucking tea?
Then in the same day I can meet a professor and start talking about Chomsky’s ‘Manufacture and Dissent’, although that conversation has to be fairly brief because I have no real clue what it is about even though I have spent time with the great man and still email him on a weekly basis.
The upshot of it all is that I spend plenty of time acting as someone or other. It can be exhausting and probably why I need time to go and relax. Usually the best thing to do is go fishing, where I connect with another universe and observe the comings and goings of the world’s finest creatures. The perch tend not to want me to be anything in particular, other than the man who removes the now barbless hook and gently places him back in the water to go about his day.
At least I find the time to laugh at myself and to some degree or other we all probably take on different roles that suit depending on the company. As I am become more comfortable with people I’m sure I do relax and just be myself, whoever that is.