by Stephanie Sides
I need to come clean. I'm not Lauren Randolph. That's the name I would have given to the daughter I never had. My name is Stephanie Sides. I've been writing for Exterminating Angel Press for several months under a pseudonym to purge myself of an unending and destructive fount of anger and, its more debilitating after-effect, sadness. I've also used the pseudonym to try to avoid hurting my family and those I cared about in my working life.
Thinking about Lauren and other children I might have had, I've been looking back on my younger life. I think about what I knew then vs. what I know now. There's this gap between the mistakes I've made and how I might have avoided at least some of them by doing things differently. If only I'd known. I think everyone, as they get older, must feel this way — if they've been doing any kind of living at all.
Mainly, I've been thinking about the advice I wish I'd been given then from a trusted source, trusted enough that I would have acted on it. It seems as if a lot of life boils down to learning the hard way. They say that's just the way it is. But maybe it doesn't have to be.
So, just in case it doesn't have to, from my perspective as a 52-year-old, I'm turning my energy, in my real name, to focus on what I'd wish I'd known as a teenager. I'm going to spell out the 10 things I wish I'd known, and then I'm going to look at each of those things, one at a time each month. What difference would it have made to me if I had known that thing?
I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who wants to contribute to this column (please send e-mail to me at sides.s@gmail.com. In tandem with this, I'd love to see a complementary column in EAP written by a 70- to 80-year-old woman on the Ten Things I Wish I'd Known at 50. Putting those two together, maybe we could publish a useful book.
So here's what I would tell myself if I went back in time to my teenage self:
Steph's early advice list:
1. Find a mentor. Your mother's good girlfriends are a good place to start. Look for women that guide your mother in ways she finds meaningful. They already have the gift of giving guidance and will be complimented that you came to them because you noticed their influence on her. They will also take you especially seriously as the daughter of someone they care about. If they're fond of you, they'll take you to heart as the daughter they might not have had. Or try a teacher or a trusted friend of an older sibling. Perhaps a local shopkeeper you like. Look around. This is no time to limit your options. If you guess wrong, try again.
From these people, don't look for good news. In fact, the best they can offer you is constructive criticism, so pay particular attention to that. They are there to help you gain perspective on life. They will tell you things that sound like clichés: (a) life is not easy, (b) life is not fair, and (c) life is what you make of it. All of which is true. Listen to this. The sooner you learn these basic lessons, the sooner you can get to work on crafting the life you want with a savvier sense of the obstacles you're likely to encounter and how to address them.
Also, a point you may not have considered: You have as much to give them, regardless of your age or theirs, as you may get from them. Carry this through life and, when you "get to that age," look for younger girls to mentor. They will need it badly and will be grateful beyond imagining because they likely are starved for sincere, practical advice that's not forthcoming (or, if it is, not appreciated) from their parents. With the right relationship, they become sponge-like. They may not say much, but you'll notice it in their behavior and the questions they come to ask. The interesting part for me is that you benefit even more than they do from the relationship.
2. Don't think you have to have all the answers to your problems. You don't. You never will. You don't even want to. It's better if you learn to reach out, at the youngest age possible, to others you trust for advice. That will provide you with a broader range of options worth considering. And that inclination will surround you with a constant support group that, though it may grow and contract as life circumstances dictate, can serve you for a long time. In return, you need to commit to serve in the same capacity for individuals you've chosen to put in this group to make it work fully. Keep in mind: Everyone has advice to give, up and down the age chain, and, if it's heartfelt and kindly rendered, it's worth considering. Again, it's all about the relationship.
3. Make time for solitude. Time to yourself (down time, quiet time, whatever you want to call it) is important for rejuvenation, particularly in our "maximum-productivity-at-all-costs" society. You need to plan this time regularly to stay focused on your goals, think about problems you're struggling with, and decide about next steps forward.
It's also critical to creativity. This is one important point that our society has completely lost touch with.
4. Don't accept loneliness as an impossible life-long condition. This is a particularly tough one for me as an overly solitary type. It's taken me the longest time to accept that preferring my own company is a good thing. I like to think of it as keeping my own counsel. Still, I always benefit from advice and comfort from others, often when I'm not looking for and least expect it. I know I should reach out, but I struggle with it on a daily basis. This is my life's castor oil.
5. Be aware of the karma you're sowing. What you give out comes back to you. Again and again and again. I've seen too many examples of this to doubt its reality and power. Positive karma comes back, often in unexpected ways, at unexpected times. I attribute the fact that EAP editor Tod contacted me after I'd lost contact with her for so many years as some kind of reward. (I'd thought we'd lost touch for good; yes, to be sure this was pre-Internet.) She opened an amazing door for me just as I was busily trying not to close a door that badly needed closing. It got my attention so much that I finally was able to close said door. In like fashion, bad karma will chastise you or worse. This is today's speak for yesterday's Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
6. Don't deny failure. It's an important part of life. You learn from it, and it teaches you perseverance to overcome your anger and sadness. Most importantly, it proves to you that you're not afraid. If you don't have occasional failures, you're not risking enough. Beware, though, the debilitating effects of serious disappointment. Grieve over it, but make a point of moving on. Otherwise, it will keep you in its clutches for a long, long time. I can tell you some very sad stories on this one.
In the context of failure or fear of failure: Think about potential regrets. They say, when you're on your death bed, what you regret most is not the things you failed at but rather the things you didn't undertake because you were afraid. Embrace fear head on and invite it into your home because it has many things to teach you. But you have to be open to it.
7. Strive for balance. This one is important and elusive in equal measure. I pursued "the career thing" (because my generation was taught that was the golden apple) with a frenzy for more than 20 years only to finally realize how little it gave me back at the end of the day and how much I had sacrificed for it. Worse, it left me feeling physically debilitated and cranky. I couldn't wait to get home to that first glass of wine. (I suppose it's possible to feel revitalized at the end of the day, but that's not been my experience.)
I think the key components to this balance are family (spouse/partner [however you define all this], children, extended family), work/career, physical health/exercise/recreation, hobbies, spiritual life (via organized religion or not), and intellectual life (this may fall under the rubric of career; I find it by doing a lot of reading and writing). You may want to add other wedges to this pie that are important to you. These components and their relative percentages will vary at different phases of your life. For example, when you're young, you are likely to focus on developing a family and career. As you get older, with children out of the house and the career in the rear-view mirror, spiritual and recreational pursuits may have the edge on your attention. The point is, wherever you are in your life, not to put all your eggs in a single one of these baskets.
Particularly beware of workaholism. I've witnessed many examples of this close up. It is the easiest answer of all because, frankly, balance is a very hard thing to achieve. So many people become workaholics because, unlike in real life, it's always clear where you should be and what you should be doing. I'm amazed at the number of workaholics who consider themselves really intelligent. (If you overly respect people who work to the exclusion of everything else in their lives, it's time to rethink; so many of them are men. Why do their wives tolerate it, especially those that have their own equally demanding careers? And what irreversible damage it does to their relationships with family members?) But, perhaps more importantly, I've also known it to put more than a few people in the hospital for exhaustion. And not just middle-aged and older people. I'm talking young folks in their 30s. It's just not a healthy lifestyle.
8. Be sufficiently empowered to say no. There are two parts to this: Being empowered, and saying no. Women as a group have a debilitating tendency to try to be all things to all people all the time. Serve, serve, serve. That's what my mother's generation learned. Mine was given the blessing, we thought, of many additional options that women before us fought long and hard for. But that produced the concept of the "superwoman," someone who, everyone came to believe, could do it all for everyone all the time except the woman in question who became so exhausted, she didn't know what to do or where to turn for advice. So the situation actually got worse — until those women started realizing they didn't want to live that way and started speaking out, writing books, etc., that this was no way for women to live either.
It's time now, I think, for all of us women to step back and focus on what we individually want and can accomplish in a reasonable amount of time and with a reasonable amount of effort, plus with support from our loved ones. Because we're tired of shouldering the world's burdens. Because that will help us turn our respective and collective backs on the undue expectations and resulting stress in our society, which leave society with less impact from our contributions than might otherwise be. We need to work together on this or things will never change.
9. Keep your own needs and goals front and center. Keep them fresh. Continually explore them and question whether they're still the right ones for you at this point in your life. This is perhaps more important than any other suggestions laid out here. This column is all about you, and that's the part that gets lost in so many women's lives. Oddly, I like to think of Helen Reddy's song "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar." When I encounter sad or disempowered women, my age or younger, I advise, usually with a smile on my face because it seems so ridiculous: When you wake up in the morning, go to a mirror, hold up your arms, flex your muscles, and repeat that phrase. I have no doubt it works because it sets the tone for the day. I've done it myself. Another one of my favorite tone-setting mantras: How will I make today fun for me? Pick the adjective that works for you.
10. Live healthy. With so many man-made and self-chosen toxins in the world, it's important to think consciously about a healthy life. I was lucky to have been trained, from an early age, in the value and practice of daily exercise. First it was swimming (including 8AM workouts for the local swim team) and waterskiing, then horseback riding, and, as I've gotten older, walking for an hour every day. I tried anti-depressants for a year when my life was in a particularly sad phase but got off them after a horrific experience of withdrawal when I cavalierly failed to renew the prescription in a timely fashion. That's when I had a "come to Jesus meeting with myself" about the undiagnosed power of these kinds of drugs. I have a lot of friends on anti-depressants. But why are we taking them? Because we can't deal with how horrible the world is? Because we feel we can't possibly have any impact on the world? Yes, it's horrible, but if hide our heads in the sand, how could it possibly get any better? As my generation famously said many years ago, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. I think we should resurrect that idea.
That and the reasons above are why I'm writing for EAP.
Please contact me at sides.s@gmail.com with comments and suggestions for future principles that have been meaningful to your life. In the spirit of EAP, I'm hopeful for a dialog on this topic.