by Tod Davies
In 1998, Alex Cox and I made a really low budget film called THREE BUSINESSMEN. We shot it in five countries in two weeks, which was actually physically and financially impossible, facts I am very glad I didn’t know at the time. It starred Alex and Miguel Sandoval (an actor who is a blast to travel with, thank heaven), and then Bob Wisdom who showed up as the third businessman near the end of their night’s travels.
THREE BUSINESSMEN is the story of Three Unaware Wise Men. Three Wise Men in Denial is another way of putting it, I guess. They go around the world in a night without knowing they’re doing it, without noticing anything around them has changed or is different from what they assume. And when they finally get to where a baby has been born, they give their gifts and get who they are for just about a minute before they’re back to yammering about computers and the Red Carpet Club and networking all over again. They’ve forgotten all about who they really are. Well, there’s just too much else going on for them to bother about something like that.
It’s a Christmas story when you think about it. Only this time the baby’s a girl.
(If you want to see the film, it’s easy enough to find a copy on Netflicks, or you can buy a used or new copy on Amazon. I’ve put the links to the latter at the end of the script. And by the way, if you’ve already seen the film and wondered what the Japanese characters were saying, it’s all in the script. One of them says “Nobody will watch movies with subtitles anymore.” I liked writing that a lot. Only of course you need to speak Japanese to get the joke, which probably diluted the humor of the thing a bit. But meanwhile, here's the script in its entirety…)
THREE BUSINESSMEN
by Tod Davies
directed by Alex Cox
DIALOGUE AND SCENE LIST
1. INTERNATIONAL LIBRARY, LIVERPOOL
EXTERIOR DAY
2. ST. GEORGE'S HALL
AN OLD MAN emerges, heads for —
4. LIME STREET RAILWAY STATION
Where the LONDON TRAIN has just arrived. PASSENGERS pour out onto the street.
We leave the OLD MAN as he greets his DAUGHTER and continue —
6. THE RAILWAY PLATFORM
BENNIE REYES emerges from the train. An anxious, friendly businessman in his forties. Dressed in pressed Levi's and jacket. Silver buckled BELT. BOLO TIE. COWBOY BOOTS.
He huffs and puffs and finally manages to swing TWO ENORMOUS SUITCASES onto the platform.
He looks for a porter. There is none. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE ON THE PLATFORM.
He looks at the SUITCASES. Both sit on wheels, with small leashes attached by which you can pull them along.
BENNIE awkwardly walks up the platform, TUGGING THE SUITCASES after.
He continues —
— and is passed by the faster businessman, FRANK KING.
He is a little younger than BENNIE. Quieter and more repressed. A PAN AM BAG slung over his shoulder. WHEELIE BAG at his side.
BENNIE eyes him resentfully. Continues on to —
ON THE WALL BEHIND BENNIE – A LINE OF POSTERS ADVERTISING A SINGING STAR.
8. THE STREET
It is snowing.
BENNIE looks hopefully up and down for a CAB. There are none.
9. AT THE LINE OF CABS
FRANK walks past them, disappears around the corner.
BENNIE staggers into a CAB, pulls his bags in after.
THROUGH THE TAXI WINDOW we see BENNIE thrust a PAPER ITINERARY at the DRIVER, who nods, pulls out.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
The CAB RANK is at the SIDE OF A GRAND VICTORIAN HOTEL.
As FRANK makes his way up the steps and disappears inside, the CAB rounds the corner, pulls up at the foot of the steps.
BENNIE gets out and, again with much effort, pulls out his BAGS.
The CAB drives away.
BENNIE hauls his bags up the wheelchair access ramp to —
10. THE REVOLVING DOORS OF THE HOTEL
BENNIE shepherds his bags into the REVOLVING DOORS, getting inevitably STUCK.
As he disengages himself, we can see THROUGH THE GLASS that FRANK checks in, and disappears UP THE STAIRS.
11. IN THE HOTEL LOBBY
The DOOR disgorges BENNIE and his LUGGAGE.
The LOBBY is GRAND. And EMPTY.
BENNIE approaches the EMPTY RECEPTION DESK.
He stands there for a LONG MOMENT. Looks around. Hits the CALL BELL — but without any confidence.
A SNUFFLING SOUND.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK – the DESK CLERK crouches down, sniffling to himself, and very carefully DUSTING THE LOWER MOLDING OF THE INSIDE OF THE DESK.
BENNIE leans over the desk, watching him. CLEARS HIS THROAT.
The DESK CLERK straightens, adjusts his tie. BENNIE hands him the ITINERARY. The DESK CLERK checks the name, pushes toward BENNIE a CARD and TWO KEYS.
BENNIE signs. Looks a QUESTION at the TWO KEYS.
DESK CLERK
They got you in 303. I think you'd
like 147, myself.
BENNIE
(pause)
You think I'd like 147.
DESK CLERK
It's a better room.
(confidingly)
Jacuzzi suite.
He LAUGHS KNOWINGLY. BENNIE, not understanding any of it, JOINS HIM.
BENNIE
Well then. I guess I'd better have
that.
The CLERK hands BENNIE the key. BENNIE looks down at it. 147.
12. IN THE LIFT
BENNIE looks nervously at the LIFT WALL. A SMALL PANEL proclaims this LIFT has been officially inspected.
13. OUTSIDE THE LIFT – THE FIRST FLOOR
BENNIE yanks his BAGGAGE out of the elevator.
And starts a LONG MARCH down MILES OF ORNATE CORRIDOR in SEARCH OF HIS ROOM.
Past FIRE DOORS. Past MILES OF CHINTZ WALLPAPER.
FROM AHEAD – the SOUND OF A MAN'S VOICE can be heard THROUGH AN OPEN DOOR.
MAN'S VOICE
Look — bottom line, at the end of the
day, the issue is what are they bringing
to the table?
BENNIE comes abreast of the door, looks in.
FRANK stands over his ROOM TELEPHONE. But talks on his CELL PHONE.
He looks up, sees BENNIE. SHUTS HIS DOOR.
BENNIE sighs, continues on. DOWN THE HALL. TURNS A CORNER. DOWN ANOTHER HALL.
14. AT THE END OF THE HALL – a DOOR NUMBER. 149.
BENNIE backtracks.
In the shadows, a NUMBERLESS DOOR. NAIL HOLES where the number should be.
BENNIE fits the key in the door. The DOOR OPENS.
15. IN ROOM 147
A CAVERN OF A ROOM. Twenty foot high ceiling. Proportions both all grand and all wrong, as if — as has doubtless happened –the floor has been cut up differently over the years.
BENNIE looks tentatively around. Puts his BAGS on the bed.
He sits for a moment beside them, surveying the VASTNESS OF THE ROOM. Then THROWS HIMSELF into making himself at home.
He vigorously hums "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."
Opens ONE BAG. Full of COMPUTER EQUIPMENT and TWO PAIRS OF COWBOY BOOTS. He takes out a PRINTER and searches the room for an electrical outlet.
There are only TWO PLUGS in the huge room. One for the LONE BEDSIDE LAMP. One on the far side of the room for the TV.
BENNIE unplugs the TV, plugs in the PRINTER.
He spots an ELECTRIC KETTLE on the other side of the room. Goes to it. No plug there, either. He goes back to the PRINTER, unplugs it, plugs in the kettle.
Sighs. Notices, on the coffee table, THREE BRONZE NUMBERS.
1. 4. 7. Surrounded by tiny nails. He fingers these.
A POUNDING ON THE DOOR. He goes to the door and opens it.
NO ONE THERE. Just the sound of briskly retreating footsteps.
BENNIE frowns.
16. BACK IN THE ROOM – A MOMENT LATER
BENNIE'S BOOKS lie, unpacked, on the BEDSIDE TABLE. Laurens van der Post's "MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. LAWRENCE." John Ralston Saul's "THE DOUBTER'S COMPANION." "THE MULTI-ORGASMIC MAN." "URBAN VOODOO." And a mail order catalogue: "THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED."
Beside these — his PAGER and CELL PHONE.
As we SCAN these, BENNIE lights a string-wrapped BUNDLE OF SAGE and vigorously fumigates every corner of the room. A custom of the American West, designed to eliminate bad vibes.
The PHONE rings.
BENNIE goes to it. The TEAKETTLE starts to WHISTLE. The fiendishly short PHONE CORD won't reach.
BENNIE
Yes?
He drops the PHONE, unplugs the KETTLE. Dives again for the PHONE, in the meantime stubbing out the SAGE BUNDLE and absentmindedly stuffing it in his pocket.
BENNIE
Hello?
MALE VOICE (on PHONE)
Hello. Which room are you in, please?
BENNIE
What?
(looks at NUMBERS on coffee table)
Room 147.
(pause)
The desk clerk gave me a choice.
MALE VOICE I know. That was me.
BENNIE
Oh.
MALE VOICE That's all right then. You got everything
you need?
BENNIE
Yes, thanks. Only I can't seem to spot
the mini-bar.
MALE VOICE
The jacuzzi suite don't come with a
mini-bar.
BENNIE
Oh. Sorry.
MALE VOICE
We got a grand restaurant for your use,
though. French.
BENNIE
Fine. I'll…fine. Thank you.
MALE VOICE
You're welcome.
The LINE goes dead. BENNIE looks around the room apprehensively. Goes to the BEDSIDE TABLE. Hesitates over his
PAGER and CELL PHONE. Decides he doesn't need them. Straightens his bolo tie, puts on his jacket. Reconsiders the PAGER and CELL PHONE. But decides, finally, to leave them behind.
Hesitating just one last time, he GOES OUT OF THE ROOM. Pause.
He RE-ENTERS. Stands in the doorway for a moment. Then shakes his head, and EXITS.
17. IN THE FOYER OF THE HOTEL'S FRENCH RESTAURANT
BENNIE approaches. There is NO ONE there.
He waits a moment. Shifts from foot to foot. Starts forward. Hesitates. Waits another moment. Then moves forward to enter the restaurant.
18. IN THE RESTAURANT
Another CAVERNOUS ROOM. Only one other client. FRANK KING sits in the center of the room, no food or drink in front of him. Only his PAN AM BAG. He reads a NEWSPAPER.
A MAITRE D' notices BENNIE. He stubs out his cigarette and hurries toward him — just as BENNIE is about to seat himself at a table near the door.
MAITRE D'
Won't you have a seat here, sir?
BENNIE looks at him. The MAITRE D' holds out a CHAIR at the TABLE NEXT TO FRANK'S. Obviously convenient for him, if not for the client.
BENNIE hesitates. But, not wishing to appear rude, obeys.
FRANK looks up with suppressed annoyance. But he, too, does not wish to appear rude. He nods a vague greeting and goes back to his newspaper.
MAITRE D'
(presenting the MENU)
Menu, sir?
BENNIE
Thank you. And I'd like to see a wine
list, please.
MAITRE D'
Of course.
He hands BENNIE one. BENNIE looks at the menu, tapping his forefinger absently against his plate. FRANK winces slightly, then resumes his study of the newspaper.
BENNIE
(points to MENU)
You see this? Avocado salad?
(reads)
"Diced avocado, raspberries, and
tomato pulp tossed with a blueberry
honey viniagrette." Would those
raspberries be fresh or frozen?
MAITRE D'
I'll inquire in the kitchen, sir.
BENNIE
Thank you.
The MAITRE D' goes out. SILENCE. BENNIE picks up the WINE LIST, reads it. Fiddles nervously with his KNIFE, clicking it against his plate.
FRANK hunches over his newspaper, trying to shut out the sound. Finally, he can stand it no longer. He puts his newspaper down.
FRANK
Excuse me.
BENNIE brightens. Pause.
FRANK
Would you…would you mind please
passing me the salt?
BENNIE
What? Oh. Yeah. Here.
FRANK
Thank you.
BENNIE
You're welcome.
(thrusts out his hand)
Bennie Reyes.
FRANK
(reluctantly shaking)
Frank King.
BENNIE
Pleased to meet you, Frank.
FRANK nods vaguely, returns to his newspaper. He methodically marks and tears out ARTICLES according to some ordered idea of his own.
BENNIE goes back to the wine list. But his eyes wander. He watches as FRANK stows the clippings in his bag.
BENNIE
Brought all your gear with you?
FRANK
Pardon?
BENNIE
(points at the PAN AM BAG)
Your gear. Pager. Cell phone. Organizer.
You know.
FRANK
(pause)
Actually, I prefer to be free of that sort
of impedimenta during the dinner hour.
BENNIE
Oh, yeah. Me, too. Nothing I hate
more than impedimenta while I'm eating.
Pause. BENNIE looks at FRANK expectantly. FRANK discouragingly returns to his newspaper.
There is a VERY LONG PAUSE. The MAITRE D' does not return.
BENNIE
Excuse me. Frank.
FRANK looks up politely.
BENNIE
How long have you been here, if
I may ask? I mean, in this dining
room?
FRANK
What? Oh…
(checks his watch)
About thirty minutes, I suppose.
BENNIE
Doesn't it strike you as a little weird?
FRANK
Does what strike me as weird.
BENNIE
(sniffs the air)
The smell.
FRANK
I don't smell anything.
BENNIE
Exactly. There is absolutely no
smell of food.
Pause. FRANK looks at him steadily. Then goes back to his newspaper.
FRANK
Actually, that's not at all unusual
in an English restaurant.
BENNIE
(hastily)
No, no, I can see that.
(pause)
What's that smell, then?
FRANK
I…I don't know. Disinfectant, I
suppose.
BENNIE sniffs the air. Nods, satisfied. That's what he smells.
Another LONG PAUSE.
BENNIE looks at the CLOSED DOOR TO THE KITCHEN. Returns to the WINE LIST.
BENNIE
Yessiree. I think…
(studies the LIST intently)
…I think I would like some wine.
Satisfied with that decision, he slams the LIST shut.
Pause.
A MUFFLED EXPLOSION is heard from OUTSIDE THE HOTEL.
Neither FRANK nor BENNIE appear to notice this.
Unthinkingly, BENNIE'S HANDS steal toward the cutlery.
He starts to tap his KNIFE AND FORK together nervously.
BENNIE
You'd think they'd at least bring
us some bread.
FRANK
Mmmmm.
After a moment, FRANK can stand it no longer. He looks up.
FRANK
(very politely)
Excuse me.
(pause)
Would you mind very much not doing that?
Pause. BENNIE looks at him, still clicking the KNIFE AND FORK.
BENNIE
Not doing what?
(both look at CUTLERY)
Oh. Sorry.
FRANK
Not at all.
BENNIE
It's just a nervous habit. I can
see it's annoying.
FRANK
(repeats)
Not at all.
(pause; feels he must explain himself)
I'm afraid I have ears like a bat.
BENNIE
(interested)
Really.
(pause)
Then maybe you can hear what they're
doing in the kitchen.
FRANK goes back to his newspaper.
BENNIE stares longingly at the KITCHEN DOOR. His HANDS steal once more toward the CUTLERY, but he catches himself in time.
Once again — A VERY LONG PAUSE.
BENNIE
(brightly)
So. Frank. What do you do for a
living, if I might ask?
FRANK concentrates on his newspaper. He tears out one long article. And sighs. Feels he can no longer politely ignore his neighbor.
FRANK
Well…I'm sorry. I've forgotten
your name.
BENNIE pulls out a BUSINESS CARD and lays it in front of FRANK.
BENNIE
(points)
Bennie. Bennie Reyes.
FRANK
Well, Mr. Reyes…
BENNIE
Bennie. Please call me Bennie, Frank.
FRANK
Bennie.
Pause.
BENNIE
As you can see on the card, Frank,
art's my game. I deal in the stuff.
FRANK
(reads the CARD)
But what an extraordinary coincidence.
That's my business as well.
BENNIE
Get out of here!
(points at himself)
Southwestern art, mainly. Native
American, you know? Baskets.
Blankets. That kind of thing.
FRANK
I specialize in African.
BENNIE
You mean, like masks?
FRANK
Masks. Pottery. Fetish objects.
BENNIE
(interested)
What's your market for that, Frank?
FRANK
You'd be surprised. Doctors. The
legal profession. I sell a lot
to people in the music business.
BENNIE
(nods vigorously)
Me, too. Me, too. The entertainment
industry goes crazy for our stuff.
FRANK
I see on your card you have an office
in California.
BENNIE
San Pedro. Yes, that's right, Frank.
We do a lot of business in Southern
California.
FRANK
Really.
BENNIE
Home's New Mexico, though. Just
over the border.
FRANK
That must be quite convenient for you.
BENNIE
Well, Frank, yes, it is.
(pause; chuckles)
Well, well.
(pause; imitation ENGLISH ACCENT)
A fellow art flogger. You must allow
me to buy you a drink, sir!
FRANK
That's very kind of you.
Pause. Both turn and look bleakly at the CLOSED KITCHEN DOOR.
BENNIE clears his throat. Stands and goes to the DOOR.
OPENS IT.
19. THE KITCHEN – BRIGHTLY LIT AND ABSOLUTELY EMPTY
BENNIE and FRANK stare at it with repressed despair.
20. THE FRONT LOBBY OF THE HOTEL – NIGHT
Deserted. PAUSE.
FRANK enters, carrying his PAN AM BAG. BENNIE follows.
BENNIE
No one here, either. That's weird.
(shouts)
Hello! HELLO!
FRANK goes to the desk and HITS THE BELL. Pause. NO RESPONSE.
BENNIE
Well, that's just ducky.
Pause.
FRANK
Something must have happened.
BENNIE
What?
FRANK
(shakes his head)
I'm afraid we'll have to fend for
ourselves.
He heads for the REVOLVING DOOR. BENNIE follows.
BENNIE
I like your spirit, Frank.