by Stephanie Sides
Ours is an age relatively lacking in meaningful relationships because we lack trust in each other. I remember raising this issue at work one day the last year I was there, and my co-workers looked at me as if I'd gone mad. What was I talking about? What did trust have to do with getting the job done? If I'd been doing standup comedy, I might have been more successful. But I was dead serious.
We need trust now more than ever if we're ever to right our world for subsequent generations.
So I'm taking to heart the notion that, if you want to have a global impact, you need to think local. (That slogan has always bugged me because it's grammatically incorrect…:>)
I was thinking about all this as I sat down to write my column this month. The topic: Don't think you have to have all the answers to your problems.
Trust is the foundation of relationships, which are the foundation for people helping each other. And, among other reasons, people need each other because they can never have all the answers to solve their life problems. But, more importantly, I don't think we want to have all the answers, as then we miss out on the adventure of life.
Significantly, I had a performance review several years ago from a boss I didn't particularly like – or trust. But he left me with a surprisingly important message: That I should reach out to more people to gather information to make decisions. Even he, not particularly socially adept himself, recognized this failing in me and gently suggested I make a change. I've thought about his advice repeatedly since we had this encounter. It's probably the single most important thing he ever said to me. This is proof positive to me that you can benefit from advice from all quarters, even people you don't like.
It's better to learn to reach out at the youngest age possible. That will provide you with a broader range of options worth considering. And that inclination will surround you with a constant support group that, though it may grow and contract as life circumstances dictate, can serve you for a long time.
It will also provide the basis for more interaction with people. Inevitably, that will lead to heartache as you may follow unintentionally misguided advice, but, because you'll have greater experience with people, it will also hone your ability to know whom to trust.
Everyone has advice to give, up and down the age and demographic chain, and, if it's heartfelt and kindly rendered, it's worth considering.
The most valuable advice surprisingly can come from people you hardly know. Because they are just evaluating the facts and have less vested interest in the outcome, their advice may be more on target.
Regardless of the advice that comes back, be sure to consider it critically. Some things, even from the most respected advisors, will just not make sense, because the advisors don't know all the pertinent facts, their generation or experience is too far removed from yours, they may be trying to protect you somehow, and so forth. If it doesn't make sense, don't stop at face value; keep inquiring.
I also believe in quid pro quo; some people call it karma: If you believe that what you give out comes back to you, then, in return, you need to commit to advise those individuals you've asked for help. With some people, this may actually be a more fulfilling role for you than taking their advice, especially if you're in a mentoring relationship (see July column on this topic).
Each relationship has its own balance barometer: In some cases, you'll feel you give more, in others you give less but get much more. Occasionally, you may be surprised at how equal the giving and taking feels. And this balance of course can change over time as you become closer with or more distant from your individual advisors.
And consider a corollary to this column's principle: Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. That's not to say one shouldn't be kind, compassionate, and charitable with all. But it does mean your life's adventure will be more rewarding and probably closer to your heart if you surround yourself with people with whom you have a strong connection regardless of what that connection is based on.