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Support Women's Rights, Hang Out in Silverlake
by David Harrison
I've been looking at thedirty.com a lot lately (mostly out of boredom… or some other rationalization, I guess), but this website basically has pictures of really hot slutty girls across the country. It's kind of depressing, especially considering I don't know any girls who look like that, let alone am friends with them. I mean, not that I'd want to be friends with them… But ya know, "friends." Anyways, please take the time to look at the website first so that I don't sound like a total pig in the following entry. I promise, you'll understand.
Anyways, these are the type of girls who understand that they're hot and they want to get as much free shit because of it… I mean, it's not like they're going to be doctors or lawyers someday. And even if they are, who doesn't like free shit? I honestly don't blame them. If you could go get drunk for free every night, wouldn't you? But of course, girls who are that hot would want to go to the nicest places, thus receiving the highest quality free shit from rich suckers.
Now the problem is that stupid rich guys buy into this, because a small fraction of those super-hot girls will put out. And if you're raking in six figures and are a single guy (with only one, maybe two child support cases), you don't mind throwing down buku dolares for some hot, slutty bitch. Statistics show that sure, you'll waste a ton of money, but eventually, you'll bone a hot girl, with the added gratification that no monetary transaction was involved for the sex… never mind all those drinks you bought her… and the drinks you bought for the other failed attempts… and the purses, shoes, meals, etc. that this ho expects you to buy in the future. Nah, it's not prostitution.
So these fucking rich quades totally encourage this behavior in hot women, basically reducing them to whores. I'm sorry, but it's true. One time, I was at this club and a girl asked me to buy her a drink. I said no, because I was standing up for women's rights and instead she should buy me a drink. She didn't understand and then went off to dance with a guy in Gucci sunglasses. Yeah, sunglasses indoors.
Now, I hate to label anybody a conformist, because that's the most conformist thing to do these days, but I promise it's pertinent to my argument. The music at Hollywood clubs fucking sucks. Donkey dick. But, studies show that if you listen to a particular type of music long enough, your brain will grow to like it [need source, haha… but it happened to me with country music and that's proof enough]. Club sluts go out every night and hear the same Usher song over and over and over again, while they put their arms above their head and spin in circles, convinced it's the coolest dance move ever. But it's like Clockwork Orange, hot girls get conditioned to like shitty music. And thus, if you're going to pay 20 bucks as a guy to get into a club with shitty music, you at least better get laid. Otherwise, what a stupid waste of a night. So, you try and pick up on the club sluts by buying them drinks. Next thing you know, you're broke and have given in to the perpetual cycle of club-slut-power.
Or, it's Saturday night, you don't want to listen to shitty music, pay a ton of money, and get frustrated because you can't tell any of the girls apart, so say you go to a concert or indie club or something. Guaranteed good night. Same price to get in, get drunk in the parking lot for free, listen to good music. Who cares about girls? You can meet them at the supermarket or dog park or something… Or God forbid you're actually friends with some girls and you take them with you (don't pay for their ticket in the name of gender equality, of course). Males, if we work together to abandon the Hollywood club scene, the hot, dumb sluts will have to follow. Right now, they hold the power over us like in Lysistrata (sp?), but in reality MEN have the power. Without our drink-buying, and the feeling of superiority over the men surrounding them, there is absolutely ZERO reason to go to a club in Hollywood. I mean, unless you like Lil John. In the end, it'll save us men unimaginable amounts of time and money and sanity.
Better yet, these club sluts who pride their entire lives on being hot will actually have to (gasp!) get a job!!! Wow, women will actually stop using their bodies as a tool and work on the same level as men? What a fantastic idea! Now, this isn't directed at all the hard working women out there, and God knows there are plenty. But the jobless club sluts who live with their parents or have rich guys pay for their rent and plastic surgery, this is for you. You're setting back gender relations fifty years. You're objectifying yourselves. If a guy you just met buys you a purse, you're not obligated to blow him… In fact, you're not obligated to fucking accept the gift! It's an unfair double-standard that you're expected to give up your body in return for material objects, and club sluts are too ignorant to realize that. I mean, they're hot, why would they have to use common sense? There's always a sucker out there who will help them out when they fuck up.
And guys, save that money. Okay, it might sound shocking, but you'll actually have to use your personality to get some. You might want to ditch the creepy attitude and gold chain right about now. Invest in Google or something instead. Start a college savings account for your illegitimate kid from that seemingly awesome night at Area. If men and women work together, we can take down the Hollywood club empire and the sluts who rule it with iron breasts and their entourage of quades with thick wallets. People will buy drinks for each other!!! If you like somebody, you will buy them jewelry… or new tires for his dirtbike (hint hint). Random acts of material kindness will not be influenced by likelihood of sex, but rather out genuine friendship. The point is that despite what science says, men and women actually do have equal mental capacity*, and it's time we started acting on it. The time has come to boycott clubs! The time has come to make the world a better place for both genders! And we can listen to better music in the process…
*That was a joke, I promise…